Blanca Like Snow

Chapter 49 ~ Unfair Trade

"It's been hard, hasn't it?" He mumbles by the end of the day, when we're both sitting crossed leg on the carpeted floor, food on the coffee table while a movie plays on the flat humongous screen. "You've been working so hard, on the company, the trial. At least you're done with something."

"Yes," I agree, feeling odd that I don't have the trial and Laura to worry about anymore. It's like there's a whole where all that anxiety used to be and I don't quite know what to do with that space. "Now I just have the company to worry about. That feels odd."

"What about worrying about yourself, too?" Will suggests, his expression worried. "You've lost too much weight, Blanca and sometimes you look like you'll break down. I know you want to do your best for the company, but that doesn't mean you have to neglect yourself to accomplish your goal."

His words hurt, not because they are like a scold, but because it reminds me I have also neglected him. I brought him with me and I have barely seen him, yet he is now worrying about me, telling me to take care of myself and my health instead of asking for some time for him. Now that one of the biggest issues in my life has been dealt with, there should be room for him, but instead of suggesting that, he is only requesting for me to look after myself.

"I'm sorry," I mutter then, feeling so guilty that if I take another bite I'll throw up everything.

"It's okay, just promise to look after yourself better from now on," Will answers with a smile but I shake my head.

"I mean about neglecting you. How long has it been since we came here and this is the longest we've been together," I point out and his expression loses the smile. "I'm sorry I haven't had time for you."

"Hey, don't look at me like that," Will hurries to say, leaning forward and putting the food in our hands aside, just to cup my face in his. "I didn't come here to go on dates or have couple time. I came here to support you and be here if you needed me. And I did that, so there's no need to apologise. And being for each other, even when we don't have time to actually be together, it's also being together."

"It's still not fair," I complain. "You're here for me and help me and hold me when I need you, but what do I do for you? I can't even make room to be with you and soon you'll go back to university and I'll still be busy with the company. Is this even a healthy relationship?"

"Of course," Will answers confidently. "Because I might not need you to be my rock now, but I know that when the time comes, you'll be there for me. And I'm sure you'll be exactly what I need in that moment. Blanca, that is a relationship, knowing and trusting the other person will be there for you and that the mere knowledge puts you at ease."

"What if when you need me I'm still too busy and I can't be there for you?" I question, dreading that moment.

"It won't happen, because even if you're busier than now, if I need you, you'll be there for me even if you can't be next to me. I just know it'll be like that, so don't you worry about that."

"How can you be more confident than I am about that?"

"Because I see you from a perspective you can't," he replies with a smile that only twists my heart.

He is confident in something that terrifies me. I don't want to be a bad girlfriend, I don't like neglecting him but I fear that's what I'll keep doing if we stay together. I'm terrified I can't make room for him in my life and that this will continue being unfair and unbalanced. Will gives so much to me and I can't reciprocate fairly, I can't give back as much as he does. I can't be as confident as he is and I feel so lacking and guilty about it.

"It's not fair to you, and you deserve better," I insist but he shakes his head.

"I deserve what I want and that's you, Blanca. And instead of feeling so guilty, why don't you try trusting yourself a bit more? You're so capable so give yourself some credit, okay?"