I'm scared of writing down my thoughts and feelings. My therapy to let out anger and hurt safely.
I'm scared that if I try to continue writing them down, I would end up writing about something I still don't want to believe happened.
I normally would write everything even things like, "the sun is shining!" but now, after that day. Even though writing about could've been a one or two liner till I feel more comfortable to write everything out, I still can't.
I've grieved and mourned for quite some time now, tomorrow would make it 3 months since when what happened happened. It's still hard for me and I'm scared that if I write it all down. Write my thoughts and feelings out, I will start to go back to the constant grieving and mourning. I'm scared that I'll start to cry on and on again. I'm scared that I'll start to distance myself from people. That I won't ever want to get close to someone again for the fear of losing them.
I'm scared to bring back the memories.
My past, as crazy as it might have seemed, I was never scared to write it down. My past, between now and the past 3 months, I'm scared to write a thing about it. Even the happy things, I'm scared to write because I feel like it'll bring back the sad ones.
I'm scared of losing the people I care about. I'm scared of losing my dogs too. I'm scared of having to go through a 5th loss this year.
It's crazy. What I should be most scared about because of what happened 3 months ago, I'm not that scared about. Flying. About a month after what happened, I was on a plane and last Wednesday, I was on a plane again. I don't know how exactly my mind is working.
I'm scared of bad news.
I'm scared of meeting heartless people who would treat what I had to go through 3 months ago as something I should've moved on from the week after it happened.
I'm scared of people asking me about what happened 3 months ago and if I miss her because, why won't I? It's the most heartless question ever for me to be asked. I'm finally starting to feel a bit better and someone brings that up. I'm not a heartless girl who pushes things off like that. Maybe things are a whole lot different right now that she's gone, but I did, still do and always will miss her.
I'm scared of the tears that seem to just suddenly spill with no control.
I scared of seeming too dependable on people to keep me calm and sane.
I scared of venting/talking about it to people who don't really understand what it feels like.
I'm scared of keeping everything bottled up inside because it's just going to eat me up from the inside out.
I'm scared of sharing everything I shared with her with somebody else.
I'm scared of even forgetting the slightest thing that happened even if it just has to do with the day we met 7 years ago. I haven't forgotten and I never want to.
I'm scared of hearing about plane crashes because that just brings up things that I am not in the right emotional state to handle right now.
I'm scared of so many things right now that I can't say, but most of all, the one thing I'm most scared about, is ever forgetting anything about her. I want to be able to think of her, remember her face, remember her smile and her laugh, remember the crazy things she says, the crazy things she does, how much fun we had. I never want to forget those. Even when I am so old, I want to remember. I want every single memory of her engraved in my mind and never to leave or get scratched. That's what I'm most scared about.
Memories of her bring back the tears because I wish we could make more memories, but I don't ever want to forget. I don't ever want to forget her, every memory we've had together and I don't want to forget what happened 3 months ago even if it makes me cry.
