I'm Like a Bird

I'll Only Fly Away

You'd guess that a solid 85% of your spare time recently has been consumed by you thinking about your relationship.  Not in a "I can't stop thinking about him he's so dreamy" way, although he is gorgeous and wonderful and a good man through and through.

You know most people would see someone like him as perfect, but you don't, or more you can't, because you know perfection doesn't exist.

Your problem is you're too much of a realist. You always have been. So skeptical, untrusting, too honest. And you tried to let it up you really did, have a more rose tinted outlook, but where did it get you? Nowhere. Hurt and nowhere. Time and time again until you said "Fuck this." "I won't be so naïve, I won't be hurt again." But that led you to being here, with a partner who is probably the closest thing to perfect you'll find and who is also equally as close to leaving you most likely. You know deep down you do love him, as cynical as you are you do believe in love; you couldn't have been hurt so badly in the past if it didn't exist. 

It's the fourth time this week you've been in this situation and you're starting to feel like you might actually be in groundhog day; yet again you find yourself sitting on your couch at home, TV on in the background being ignored, you're deep in thought as your phone rings.

You know that it's him without having to check. This time instead of stalling with small talk before telling him you haven't had time to think, which you both know isn't true, this time you just get it over with.

"I'm ready to talk."

About 15 minutes later you hear his car pull up outside. You greet him with a hug and tell him to help himself to something if he's hungry. You cuddle up on the sofa together and chat about each other's days. You're only a stone cold bitch in your head.

Eventually he does sit you up however and you know it's time.

"So you said you were ready for the talk," he says in the softest voice. It makes you melt a little bit, you struggle to understand how he can still be so patient and gentle after all the bullshit you put him through.

You realise he's waiting for you to go first so all you can do is take a breath and launch into it. You had so much of what you wanted to say planned out but it all seems to go to shit with him sitting there in front of you.

All the thoughts you've had bottled up come flooding out; you tell him how deeply you care for him but that it means you don't want to hurt him. You're scared that eventually he won't be able to take it anymore or that you'll just get scared and run away. And you admit that you feel so lost, that Texas still doesn't feel like a home to you and that it's only making things harder for you.

Despite the state that you're in, the mess you must look through the tears, he simply wipes the tears from your cheeks, takes your hands in his and says, "It's okay. I'll never force you to make any decisions. I'll be waiting for you," he lifts your chin so you're looking into his eyes, "I love you."

It just makes you cry and not because you're relieved or that his faith in you causes your brain to make some huge turnaround  that means you're suddenly fine. It's because it becomes clear to you that he still doesn't know you. After all this time he still doesn't understand that your problem is not time or pressure, it's your fear to hurt or be hurt.

Part of you wants to just say that you love him too. You know it's true, you know you know it's true. It'd make the whole thing so much easier, all of this would go away. However you also know it won't fix anything.

Eventually you have to reply, "I know you do. But you have to understand that it scares me to hear that. All that it implies. I'd never want to hurt you but I can't promise that I won't fall through without warning; that I'll have to see you go."