I CANT GET THE CAP OFF • tracob au

• whats wrong? •

troye found himself sitting on the floor of the bathroom, again. It was 9:35pm and Jacob would surely not get home for about an hour and a half. He has always been happy with Jacob, the happiest ever. But still, every Saturday night he couldn't find himself to go to sleep without picking up that blade he's always been hiding from Jacob. As much as he loved Jacob, he would never get the urge to tell him the problem, Jacob had already been skeptical about troye when he walked in on him crying on the same bathroom floor. "Everything is going to be alright baby" he had told him, "we're going to be alright" he wished he could just believe those simple words with greater meanings but he couldn't, he couldn't find the feeling of true comfort within love. "What is love. What does love feel like. Will love make me hate myself. How do I know if im in love." Were all questions that had been circling troyes mind for weeks. Jacob knew about his insecurity and how he struggled with self harm in the past, but troye swore not ever to do it again and even thinking about Jacobs reaction when he'd tell him, crushes his heart to a million pieces. If it had been love, "why does it make me feel like this. What's wrong with me" troye began to slide the blade across his wrist, crying at his thoughts and taking in the feeling. He had always been careful to hide is scars, either by wearing too many bracelets or using the handcuffs that cover all the way up the his elbow during sexual encounters with Jacob. He didn't want to hurt Jacob ever, he wanted to keep him safe even though Jacob had been the one doing that so far, troye helps from a distance. He broke from his thoughts when he heard a key going through the front door downstairs. He quickly stood up to put his blade back in its hiding place and wash off the excess blood from his arm. Quickly, he pulled on one of Jacobs hoodies, that fit him way oversized and ran down the stairs all smiley whilst dabbing away the tears from his eyes and trying to hide the pain he felt from his wrists. "Jacob!!!!" he yelled in pure excitement "you came home early?" He asked at Jacob wrapped his arms oh so gently around Troyes tiny waist.

"No baby, it's 11:20pm" he replied with curiosity lingering at the tip of his tongue

"oh" troye said in the softest voice ever. He probably didn't notice how fast time passed by with him over thinking everything to ever exist

"do u wanna eat, I brought some Chinese on the way home" he asked troye while holding him in his arms and looking down at the boy he loved so much

"I'm not really that hungry, but okay I'll join you"

"okay let's go upstairs babe" he whispered to troye laying a kiss on his forehead. They held hands and walked up stairs together. Troye swallowing his saliva as a nervous habit trying to remember if he had hidden all the evidence. They sat down on their queen size bed and Jacob proceeded to take out the food he had brought for him and his lover, he took off his hoodie and jeans so that he was only wearing a white shirt and boxers. They turned off the light and watched tv whilst eating their food

"this is so good" troye mentioned after minutes of silence

"baby what's wrong" asked Jacob almost instantly. Not even 4 seconds later and troye broke into unstoppable tears, his boyfriend got closer to him and held him in attempt of comfort, troye held on to Jacob like his life depended on it and Jacob held him, worried about what was going on with the beautiful boy that brought so much joy into his life.

"I don't know" sobbed troye "I can't put it into words and it's so frustrating and I don't know what's wrong with me and im so fucked up and I don't know how to fix it an-"

"babe, listen to me, calm down, okay? just breathe." Jacob said to troye "i don't know what you're going through but I want to help, I need you to be okay for me,"

"im sorry im sorry" troye apologized

"babe, u do not need to apologize" he replied "what's the matter babe, breathe okay?"

"Jacob I- I- I can't say it" he said and started sobbing again. Jacob was on the verge of tears too, he couldn't bare seeing troye like this and it broke his heart. He couldn't cry tho, he had to be strong for troye, and show him support.

"Okay okay look at me baby, just look at me" troye looked up at him but felt so guilty and had to look down again. Jacob figured that the problem wasn't that he didn't want to say, it was that he was afraid to tell Jacob. "Close your eyes and pretend I'm not here, call me by another name even" troye thought about it and collected himself then spoke.

"Daddy?" troye chose to use daddy because he didn't feel the tug at his heart when he said that, like he did when he said Jacob

"Yes baby" Jacob replied completely understanding. Troye looked down and shed a single tear

"i cut." Jacob was shocked and did no know how to react to this. He didnt know how to process the fact that troye just said that. And he didnt want to imagine it to be true. At that moment Jacob went into complete oblivion and thought back to all the little moments they had together. Like when they went on a zoo date

*Troye POV* (flashback)

I walked through all the animal displays until i reached the gorillas. There was a pair who looked to be mates.

"Jacob look!" I pointed  to the gorillas. "That one is just sitting there scratching its head while he other one is going for food. And it just brings the food back for the lazy gorilla!" I cried. Jacob laughed

"Does that remind you of a certain couple?" he asked, squeezing my hand.

"Oh that reminds me, can you go get me some chips?" I asked, sitting there on the bench and putting my legs up. Jacob laughed loudly with me and kissed my forehead gently.

"Anything for my gorilla princess" he smirked

*back to third person POV*

Jacob looked into Troyes eyes and couldnt say anything, he stuttered and fought to speak until he could finally tell him how much he loves him. He held him tight and told troye things will get better. He promised him that he would do all he could to keep him happy as can be. 

But Troye didnt know if that would be enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

comment and vote what u think !!!!