To My BabyGirl

Chapter 1

Jayceon

I let the hot water hit my face as I closed my eyes. Closing my eyes brought me to a new place, a place where I could think, a place where I'm by my self with no distractions. I sat in my dark place and brought my thoughts to my mind.
I'm doing all of this for what ? All of this shit and I'm about to be twenty still living in a pissy ass projects like I been since I was three. There were literally piss stains on the floor that reeked the smell of piss from all the crackheads who lived in this same apartment building as us.
All this and my babymother still working a job and go to school. All of this and I gotta steal food for my daughter to be able to eat meanwhile we still don't got shit to even do our hygiene with. I'm risking everything for this little bit of money I'm making ?
I don't even have a clean pot to piss in or a car to my name. We all still riding the fucking public transportation. Not all hustlers have that perfect life and live as king pins. I thought that's how life was gonna be for me but shit ain't nothing like the movies. People who sell dope really be flexing and fronting. They dressed all flashed out with the hottest car and flyest gear then go home and sleep on a mattress with no sheets.
Sadly I can't even fake like I got it, even if I did I wouldn't be that type. I have a daughter who is my whole world and a baby on the way. I wanna save the little bit of money I get and try to make their life better in anyway I can. I never want them to have to go through anything I did. Never want my kids to rely on the streets or have to turn to selling drugs.
My pops was a dope dealer and a known killer in the area. He got locked up and died behind bars to a stab wound in his chest by another inmate. When they told me he died I never even shed a tear. You can't cry over someone you never met or knew. He didn't want no one to know I was his child. He didn't even want my grandmother to let me come see him when he was locked up. He probably thought he was gonna be able to get out. Little did he know karma is a bitch and she was after him for all his dirt.
Mama a crackhead got no idea where she even at now , cause she doing what she do best disappearing. I barely have no memory of Mama. Only thing I remember of her is that she used to be as skinny as the sickest Sphynx cat. Her hair always tangled and knotted up and her skin dry and scaly. Mama left me with my grandmother when I was two.
Grandma's time on earth was filled with keeping me away from the streets, despite her trying everything she could I still ended up fucked up. Grandma's house was sacred holy ground but once you stepped outside those doors I was in them pissy hallways again with crackheads laying around and drugs running through the whole neighborhood like we had a rat infestation.

I stepped out the shower and wrapped my lower body in a towel as I made my way to my room to throw on some boxers and lotion. I threw on some sweatpants over my boxers and a wife beater. I looked at my self in the mirror and saw nothing but darkness and pain in my dark brown eyes. My eyes then shifted to my grandmother's picture hanging on the mirror. I crossed myself then placed my two fingers on her picture after I kissed them. I did this everyday as if my love could reach out to her. As if one more time I could touch her coca butter brown skin and kiss her cheek. As if one more time she would pray for me with her rosary in her hand and then tell me "I don't want you out there Jayceon please stay here with me" but then that would just be another day I ain't listen.
I walked across the hall to the kitchen and to my surprise I saw my daughter sitting at the table with my baby mother. I walked over to the folding table and kissed my daughters head then kissed my baby moms.
   "When did y'all two get here ? And why Kimiya still awake it's eleven o'clock at night she has school in the morning" I said as I sat down at the little plastic foldout table we had in our small kitchen.
"Well I couldn't put her to bed without any food." My babymoms snapped back at me with an attitude.

"What you mean without food ? There's food in here"  I said back.

"Jayceon she didn't want Ramen Noodles again we been eating that shit for three weeks now" she said as she put her hand on her wide framed hips with the grocery bags on her wrist.