Between Gates (The Gate Chronicles Book 1)

Chapter 2: Training and Complications

Nari turned around, facing him with a cold mask. “I told you, I don’t want to talk about it, and I'm fine.” She crossed her arms, pressing her lips together in a tight line.

He gave her a sharp look. “Nari, tell me what is wrong. I want to help. I’m your friend. You have great potential, and I want to help you reach your greatest, but I can’t if you don’t focus on the lessons I’m teaching you. Now this will simply be a waste of both of our time if you can’t pay attention and do well with this. So what is blocking you from doing so?”

“I can’t tell you.” She turned away from him, trying to hide the quaver in her voice.

She sensed his warmth as he walked over to her and stood by her, his shoulder brushing hers. He smelled vaguely of pine trees and amber. Exotic in a way. Then again, Andrew was exotic too, so it was a good fit. His hands rested in a gentle, supportive manner on her shoulders. She wanted nothing more than to tell him what was wrong. She wanted to let him hug her, as she knew he would.

In front of everyone else, Andrew was strong and properly distant, but one on one with his soldiers he was close and gentle. He knew when to be firm and unmoving and when to offer love and compassion. If anyone could comfort her now, she was sure Andrew could.

But she didn’t want comforting. She pushed his hands from her shoulders. “Please, just drop it. Move on with the lesson. I’ll focus; I promise.” She dropped back into her chair at the terminal.

He hesitated, but then nodded. She didn’t need him to offer her comfort right then. She wanted him to respect her privacy, and she could see that he would. She was grateful for that.

***

A half-hour later, Nari escaped Andrew’s watchful, protective gaze, and went to find some privacy. She wasn’t able to keep the tears from streaming down her face as she went to her room.

Normally, Nari kept a tight, tyrannical rule on her emotions. Unless she wanted to display an emotion, it didn’t show. But now the raw, pulsing grief she was feeling couldn’t be contained. She stumbled down the hall that led to her room, tears flowing with abandon.

Soon she could hardly see anything. She bumped into a boy who towered over her. But she didn’t notice this or anything else about him. He tried to hold her, taking her by the shoulders. Generally, Nari felt that when a stranger touched her on the arm or shoulder they were trying to be friendly, but now his touch made her more hysterical. She wrenched out of his grip, gasping for breath.

In her frenzied state, Nari didn’t even think about it. She twisted his wrist sharply and sent a swift jab into his solar plexus with the other hand, leaving him to double over in agony. She hadn't actually hurt him permanently, but she knew she had managed to do enough damage to his wrist that it would be in a brace for a week or two, maybe more. As soon as she knew he wouldn't follow her, she fled. 

In the barracks, she slammed and locked the door, pulling the dead bolt across it. Despite the uncomfortable lumpiness of her mattress, she collapsed onto it, burying her face in the flat, bumpy pillow and weeping.

It took her five minutes to gain control of herself. What was I thinking? I could have broken that boy’s wrist! And all for what? Because I was upset and panicked for no reason. She paused for a moment. It had happened for a reason. Now that Nari thought about it, she realized that it had been brewing long before she came here.

Only before she joined MBC, she hadn’t known that she was missing anything. Her heart had been empty, but she was used to it then, so she hadn’t even noticed. Now though, Andrew and Indri had shown that they cared about her, and Nari had discovered how empty she was. They had shown her the secret longings of her heart without even meaning to. And she had needed it.

But it hurt. Her little outburst had come because she had realized that the way she was now, no person in his sane mind would give her what she wanted. No man would marry her. She was too bitter, and she wasn’t willing to be girlish just for them. She’d spent too long barely surviving to become weak before anyone.

It hit her with a shock. I don’t know how to love anyone. I can’t do it! I’m incapable of it. I’ve spent so long feeling unwanted, discontent, and despised that I’ve forgotten how to return love. So even if some guy was crazy enough to want to marry me, I wouldn’t be able to love them back because I don’t know how!

A knock came at her door, and Andrew’s voice floated through.

“Nari?”

She took a deep breath, trying not to sound like she was crying.

“Go away, Andrew. I don’t want to talk to you.” It was a lie. She did want to talk to him, and she felt bad for lying to him, but she really did need him to leave her alone. As much as she wanted to talk, she knew she needed to do this on her own.

“Nari, I don’t know what I said, but please let me in!” His voice was weary and concerned, and she knew he really did want to help.

“It’s not you!”

She started crying again because it hurt so much that he cared. She couldn't return his love, regardless of what type of love it was. Knowing he cared was a good kind of pain, but not being able to reciprocate his love was awful, and not in a good way.

“Nari?” His voice broke her reverie.

Her sobs greeted his words.

“Nari, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I want to help. Let me in, please.” He knocked lightly on the door again, his voice pleading.

Indri’s voice floated to her ears. He was speaking to Andrew. "Let her alone, Andrew. She doesn't want to see you."

“I have to try, Indri.” Andrew’s voice grew a bit louder. “Nari? Please.”

She couldn’t bear it any more. Sending him away would be like killing herself. She wasn’t the type of person who could deal with her pain without another person to pat her on the back and care. She needed Andrew to tell her that it would be all right because on some level at least, Nari trusted him. Still, she couldn't let him see her like this. She was supposed to be strong and in order to do her job here, trainee or no, she needed to learn to deal with this on her own. 

She squared her shoulders, sniffling and wiping away tears. She was twenty-seven years old. This behavior was just childish. It was time to do what she came here to do. Leave the past behind. It didn't have to keep ruining her life or making it hard for her to be happy and free. It didn't need to keep effecting how she related to other people. Instead, she had to accept that it made her who she was for better or worse, and move on. 

"It's not something you did, Andrew, and there isn't anything you can do. I just need you to leave me alone and let me figure it out on my own." She answered finally, her voice strong and determined now. 

He said nothing for a few moments, then his voice came through the door again. "I get that, but if you do get to the point where you need help or just need to talk, don't hesitate to come to me."