feelings that i feel + destiel

i

oh ms believer is a good song.

"i hate the melodrama,

i hate the nostalgia.

it's deja vu,

things i went through.

they're no good.

things that happened, but never should.

the lights fade to nothing.

we can never know the truth.

too many lies.

too many cries.

i don't know why we hide.

as we ride this ride.

do you think it's a strategy?

when you let me be.

can't you just see? 

without you, i'm dead.

don't believe what you read.

permanent slumbers, they're not bad.

away from the things that are sad.

no more pain.

no more walking the lane.

everything is so selcouth,

reminds me of my youth.

and how it was happy.

but now it's just crappy.

so many dark voids inside.

god, show me a sign?

fare thee well. . .

this was utterly annoying.

don't know what i'm doing." 

sam looks at him from the door, dean was unaware that he was watching. dean was writing his feelings out and stating them, it was really calming to hear.

but did dean feel that way? sam knew that his brother was devastated growing up, witnessing their mother's death, having an absentee father, but having a good one as a substitute too. it was nice. family was nice. but sometimes it isn't. there were fragments of things that sam remembered about mary winchester. the lullaby, her hair, her eyes. and he wanted to bury those, because it made him . . .  depressed. growing up without a mother-ly figure was . . . sad.

"sam, could you . . . get my medication?" sam didn't see the frown, but he could hear it. dean had anxiety, and couldn't manage a day without a panic attack. sam looked down, and muttered a quiet, 'alright.'

sam stood up, and opened the cupboard, there he found an orange bottle. 

DEAN WINCHESTER - PATIENT 101 - ANXIETY MEDICATION - DR. IVES 

sam equipped it, and headed to dean's room. he tossed it to him, and dean caught it. sam went back to the living room, and sat on the sofa. thoughts were floating, different, different thoughts. he wanted a way to help his brother get through this, but he just couldn't. he didn't know why, because every problem dean had, he fixed - barely, though.

sam closed his eyes, as his tears dripped down his face. wondering how it would be if they were just all happy. 

sorry this is gonna be a sad fic, well, it's gonna be like this  . . . lowercase intended.

 

- al