Sweden X Depressed! Reader - Birds

6. I Am Not Okay

Ohlookheresthatpartofthatstoryiwasmeanttopostaboutamonthagoimsorryplzdontkillme
No, but actually, I'M VERY SORRY THAT THIS IS LIKE, A MONTH LATE ;;;;;;;
I finally managed to crawl out the never ending pit of writer's block and just wrote this without checking for spelling errors last night so please don't be surprised if I've accidentally insulted your mother because of autocorrect.
Also, this book includes sensitive subjects still, so if you don't like them please don't read, I swear I'll eventually write some happiness and fluff to combat literally all of my incredibly depressing stories ;;
Thank you for being patient and for sticking with your slow AF Author-Chan.
Enjoy, and sorry for messing up Sweden's character too... I don't know what I'm doing.

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(F/N) arrived home and nice Berwald made sure she was safe, he left. (F/N) still felt drowsy and could sleep for a while longer; Berwald had told her to eat before she went to sleep tonight to make sure she didn't pass out in class again, but with the guilt (F/N) felt, she couldn't even bear to look at food. Her mother greeted her when she came in.

"(F/N)? You're late, did you stay behind after school?" She asked gently. (F/N) nodded, hoping her mother wouldn't comment on the dark circles under her eyes. "Would you like any food?"

"I'm not hungry tonight, sorry." Her mother's expression looked crestfallen, (F/N) only felt more guilty. "I'm to go to bed early." Before another word could be spoken, the (H/C) girl rushed up the stairs and into her bedroom. She knew her mother did care about her, but she was barely home and (F/N) sometimes just felt a little lonely when she had the whole house just to herself; it felt too empty.

She arrived in her room and let her bag drop off her shoulders and onto the floor with a soft thud. She did want to let her body fall down to her bed so she could sleep again, but she had work to do and she had to get a shower as well. At least she felt a little less tired from the nap she'd been able to take during school hours and far into the afternoon, but she couldn't let that happen again. She had to keep working.

She stripped down and climbed into the shower, enjoying as the hot water slid down her neck and back. It was refreshing after the long day she'd had but she knew she couldn't do what normal people would do and relax in their warm beds after, she had to go back to her desk.

There she went again, lying and deceiving; breaking her promises.

She hasn't done what Berwald had said. She hadn't eaten, she wasn't going to get a good night's rest like she should; she was going to do more work because it didn't matter how she felt. She shouldn't care how other people felt either. She clenched her fist against the shower wall. That's right, they all hate her anyway.

Why would she ever think for a second she could have her friends back, they hated her didn't they? They weren't being friendly and kind, they were just pitying what a rotten girl she'd become. Berwald didn't care, he was doing what was necessary. None of them cared; they both hated her. Then (F/N) noticed it again out of the corner of her eyes through the partings of her wet hair. 

A razor.

They hate her, so should she. She picked up the razor and held it with shaky hands above her wrist. They didn't care, she shouldn't either; they wouldn't really be scared at a cut or two to (F/N)'s delicate wrist. They weren't concerned about her today at school, it was expected of someone to help the collapsed (F/N), they just took up that position. (F/N) steadied her hands from the insistent shaking and edged the razor closer and closer and closer.

Finally, she felt a sting on her wrist and saw deep red blood running down her wrist and dripping onto the plain white floor below her. It hurt; she didn't like it but she quickly swiped the razor, creating a line. A red line that quickly bled and mixed with the water, spilling down onto the floor and mixing down into the plug hole. It hurt.