Something I'm Not 2- History (Sequel)

Chapter 53

"Harry, you need to stop beating yourself up, okay? You need to be here. People need you. You gotta understand I love you for your flaws. They make you you." I tell him and he he shakes his head. "I don't think I'll ever understand it. How can you love someone so destructive?" he asks and I wipe his cheeks even though the tears were still falling. 

"Because each flaw makes me love you. Like, the way hate your smile, but it's really just the best thing in the world, and how you were afraid I judge your singing but you're one of the best artists out there. And you act around other people compared to me, it makes all of this right now much more special because I know I'm the only one you'd say this to. Okay? You're just overthinking this whole thing, Harry. I said to wait until after the tour is over, that's all. I didn't say no. " I say to him and he rests his forehead on my shoulder to hide him biting his lip even though I saw him. He was trying to hold back another sob, which is why he didn't say anything for a while. 

"When I heard you almost overdosed, I sat and thought about it the whole plane ride here, what it'd be like to lose you for good. It was most excruciating thought of my life. Please don't ever do that again, Harry." I tell him and comb a hand into his hair. 

"I went into it so motivated to get relief, some release but, I just couldn't help it. And when I woke up in the hospital, I don't think I've ever been so afraid in my life. I don't like it. I just want the fucking pain to go away." he says and death grips my side with both arms but I didn't care. 

"It's gonna get better." I tell him and he shakes his head, shaken up even more now. "No it won't, every fucking reporter out there is just waiting for me to do something stupid. They've got me everywhere. I went off the deep end and you think I won't have to live with that until someone else does something worse? I don't even want to sing anymore, I don't want to have the money anymore or be around all the greedy people. I'm not as strong as I thought I could be. I can't hold this up Caroline. If I don't get me killed, I'll drown in my own name." he says shakily and then I understood a little more of why he's went as far as he's went. 

I had nothing to say so i rubbed his arm. "Even if I broke out of the contract, they won't leave me alone. I'm screwed either way." he says quietly and I turn sideways and lean into his chest with my arms around his torso. It was kind of an awkward position but he didn't care. 

"I never knew this whole time. It'll all pass. This time, I'll stay with you. To get you through it." I tell him and half attempts to hug me in the position I'm in right now. "What if we went out for a little while?" I ask him and he immediately scoffed at it. "Did you not hear me? I can barely get out the door without people hammering me with questions." 

I sit up and grab my phone. "We can go out the back door. It's dark out, they won't look for you on the back roads." I tell him and he pulls me back down. "I just want to stay here for a while." he says quietly and I look at him. I couldn't believe how rough he looked. 

"When's your next performance?" I ask him and he looks over at his phone before sighing. "Tomorrow at the Bedrock. I really haven't gotten a break since we started. Jail and the hospital didn't help." he mumbles. "Well then get some sleep. I'm gonna go get my stuff from Ed." I tell him and he groans. "Just wear my clothes. " he whines and I chuckled. "I have to get my painkillers anyway." I tell him and slip out of the door, knocking on Ed's.  

                                                                      ***

When I tried to ask him about how the tour has went so far he started to shut back down again so I avoided that subject. I couldn't believe how much fear he's held in all this time. Cause this is what's showing. He doesn't want to go outside and be seen, he doesn't want to be reminded of what he's done, he just wants to shut himself away from everyone. I am extremely familiar with this. It's fear, honest fear of being judged. 

We were quiet right now he was playing with the trim on my shirt and I was playing with his hair. I would comb it back, comb it to the side, when I combed it all forward he gave me a look. 

"Do you need anything, Harry?" I ask him and kiss his forehead. He shifted a little to get comfortable and shook his head. 

"You sure?" I ask him and he nods. 

I keep my hand on his cheek, just because I felt like I needed to be touching him. After all, it's been a month since I saw him. "I love you, Harry." I say quietly to him and he exhales quietly and pulls my hand down from his cheek so he could grab my hand. "Love you more." he mumbles and I chuckled under my breath. 

"Harry, you're a good person. I see that. You do good things for people that deserve it. The world just likes to destroy any form of light. Don't believe them." I tell him and he pauses for a moment and half attempts to laugh under his breath. 

"What are you thinking?" I ask him and he shakes his head. "Tell me." I ask him and he swallows. "Just like I destroyed you." he mumbles and looks up at me. I have a big part in this. 

"No." I tell him and pull my hand away from his so I could hug him. "I'm happy with where I am right now." I say and he buries his chin into my neck. "Quit being nice to me just because I'm upset." he says and I lift my head up to kiss him. "Love you." I say and finally a small smile broke his eyes. "Not fair." he says and I giggled just because it was funny.