Hermione Granger and the Lost Love

An Apology

A couple of weeks had passed since our altercation in the hallway. Even after he jinxed me, we didn't speak, we didn't even acknowledge each others existence. One day out of the blue, while studying in the library and knitting hats for SPEW, he approached me. It was fairly late on a Saturday therefore no one was there. He sat down across from me, looking oddly nervous. 

We sat there in silence until I said "What do you want Malfoy?"

Feeling incredibly annoyed that he interupted my studying I darken my glare, he did the unexpected greeted me with an awkward smile in return. It wasn't one his normal little sneers but a nervous smile. Eventually he responded "I...I have been thinking a lot about what you said last time we spoke and I wanted to first say that I am sorry for hexing you, I really didn't intend on you getting hit, it was meant for Potter."

My annoyance turned to anger at the idea that he actually considered this an apology. "So let me get this straight Malfoy, you are apologizing for hitting me because your jinx was meant for my best friend, and whether it was meant for me or not. You still laughed with everyone as Snape humiliated me in class. Yeah great apology."

It looked like he wasn't expecting this response, his eyes looked a deer in headlight while he replied "Yes I did aim it at him, but he aimed one at me as well? And I laughed because it was innocent humor, I stopped once I realized you were crying." He was clearly trying to keep his composure and in his own odd way be genuine. All I wanted to do was get back to studying so I accepted his apology and looked back at my book.

When he didn't leave, I looked up feeling my patience slipping. He nervously put his hands through his platinum blond hair, obviously looking for what words to say next. It was so weird seeing him like this as apposed to his usually egotistical attitude. Eventually he spoke, "There's more..I feel...as though I owe you an explanation as to why I treated you so poorly. Not that there is an excuse, and I am not asking for your forgiveness because I know a lot of what I have done and said is unforgivable."

This caught my attention, all my annoyance melted away at once, and curiosity took over. 

"Please elaborate on what could possibly make me understand why you are always such a prat."

His pale face turned bright red at the sound of this insult. "I guess I deserved that..I don't know how to say this exactly, what you said after class that one day. It really had an effect on me. I've never given a second thought about anything you've ever said to me. But it made me realize things that I guess I've sort of always knew but was always too embarrassed to admit them to myself."

"And what would that be?"  

"Isn't it obvious? I mean I'll deny it if you ever repeat this Granger but I've always been so jealous of you three. I'm jealous that Potter is looked at as a saint and gets all the attention and that he chose to be friends with a Weasley over me. I'm jealous of how all of you have a real genuine friendship. You guys always look like you are having so much fun. And I used to wish things were different and that I was a part of the marvelous trio."

It took a minute or two until I finally was able to remember how to speak. "How do you expect me to believe that? You have had three years worth of opportunities to make amends with us. Why now?"

It was obvious that he wasn't as nervous as he was before. With a little smirk on his face he said "In all honesty I have no clue...and I have zero intentions with making amends with Potter and Weasel, but I would however like to be your friend and as for believing in me, well I guess you will just have to take a leap of faith in me." He spoke so genuinely that I almost trusted him at once, then my better judgment kicked in.

I could feel my face getting red with anger "Stop calling him that! I don't understand. You said you wanted to be friends with us? Why can't we all be friends?"

"I envy what you guys have, that doesn't exactly mean I want to be their friend, I may have wanted that a long time ago but not anymore." What is that suppose to mean? Why is he even more infuriating then Ron?

"That makes absolutely no sense! You just said you were jealous of our friendship? How could you possibly think that I'd be friends with you if you went on treating them how you do?" 

This seemed to have struck a nerve cause he shouted "Oh because they treat me so nice!"

I completely lost it and yelled even louder "ARE YOU KIDDING?? YOU EGG THEM ON EVERY. SINGLE. TIME." 

Seconds later Madam Pince came angrily stomping towards us "That is enough! Lower your voices or get out." With a look of pure disgust she shook her head and walked away.

He waited for her to be completely out of sight before he spoke again. His composure suddenly went serious. "Yea well its not easy being Draco Malfoy, its a very lonely and sad life if you haven't gotten that already. Last time we spoke you said I hated you, I never hated you, I only hated the way you made feel. You made me question everything I have ever known. When I met you everything I had been taught for eleven years was completely shattered. I know now that it is wrong, but I couldn't understand how someone that was a mu...muggle born could be so incredibly smart and talented, I still find it hard to understand but I'm trying. You don't understand what thats like, it's like being told the sky is green and then finally looking up and finding out its blue."

"I-I really don't know what to say Malfoy."

"Dont say anything, look I know it's a lot to take in and that you won't be able to believe me right away, you're the brightest witch of our time, I didn't expect you too. So let me have a chance to prove to you that I am serious about being your friend. How about we meet here the same time tomorrow? We can study, go over notes and you can tell me all about why you're knitting hats. How does that sound?"

"Um..I'll have to think about it..." What? I couldn't possibly meet Malfoy willingly, it felt so wrong and reeked of betrayal. How could I actually be contemplating this?

"I'll be looking forward to it." He said with a shy smile. He continued "You look different."

"What do you mean different?" I snapped defensively.I began to feel oddly self-conscious.

His eyes widened with shock and embarrassment "No! You look different, not bad different. A good different! Well not that you looked bad before but I'm rambling so I'm going to go, I'll see you around Granger." 

"Goodnight Malfoy" He got up and left the library, I saw through the corner of my eye that right before he walked out of sight around the book shelfs, he looked back, it was only for a second. It was enough to make me uncomfortable. What was I doing? Befriending the enemy? Everything inside me was screaming to forget what just happened and to continue on like nothing happened. There was a small voice however, telling me to take a chance. It was filled with curiosity and the hope that there may be a decent person under all that ego and superiority.