Hello?
Can you hear me?
You're not that good at replying, so I'll just take that as a yes.
How've you been? I've been kind of depressed. Ever since you left I can't seem to get happy anymore, the little things in life that I used to enjoy don't bring me the happiness that they once had.
I wish I could see your smile again. You know, the one that you could see in your eyes. That's my favorite one. It doesn't look like I'm going to see it again anytime soon, you haven't been that happy lately either.
You haven't been feeling much of anything lately, for the matter.
I miss you a lot, everything about you. We used to do everything together, now we haven't been seeing each other at all. Do you miss me too? I hope you do. I remember like it was just yesterday, we'd have our daily walk in the park, we'd go out to eat at our favorite joint in town, then we'd go home and smoke so much weed that we wouldn't be able to function. We ate a lot of sweets.
There's also the memories that aren't that great, the ones that stick with you the most. The ones that bother you when you're trying to sleep at night, the ones where every time you think about them you beat yourself down more and more until you're numb, you can't feel anything and you can't take anything anymore and you just want to end it all. Those ones are terrible. We have way too many of those kind of memories, many of which are my fault and I desperately wish I could fix. But sadly, once something happens you can't take it back, I'll just have to live with it for the rest of my life.
Come to think of it, most of the fights we had were my fault. It's my fault you're in the place that you are now. I wish I could take all of the hurtful things I've said to you back and lock them in a place where no one can find them, so no one knows how truly evil I am.
You're the only one that knows the true me.
I remember how upset you were when you got home that night and saw that I was messed up on heroin again. It's a bad habit. One that I couldn't even stop for you. You screamed, you cried, and begged me to just give it up. You thought that I didn't love you, and the drug was more important than your love for me.
You stormed out of the house that night, saying that you were gonna stay with a friend until I could come to my senses.
I was too high to take in anything that you were saying, too high to notice how unstable you were, too high to know that I had fucked up both of our lives.
You would've been so successful in life if I weren't in it. I messed up everything for you. You would've gone off to a nice college, had a better significant other. You would've pursued your dream of becoming a doctor, but I screwed all of that up for you.
You should of left when you had the chance, I wasn't any good for you. You were just so fixated on making me better, making me realize that I didn't need the heroin to be happy.
You killed yourself in the process.
You're dead because of me.
You died trying to save me, and now without you here I'm more fucked up than I have ever been. You were always there for me, and I always took you for granted. If I wouldn't of shot up that night you wouldn't of left in rage. You would still be here, in my arms.
I killed you, and I can't live with myself anymore.
I don't have anyone in this world, all I had was you. My family doesn't want me, I have no friends. There's no way I'm moving on from you, the thought of being with another person makes me sick.
I'd rather die that be with anyone other than you.
Which is why I'm where I am right now.
I'm at our spot, the bridge we always used to play at when we were younger.
I've thought about it a lot over that past couple of days. I have no job, no friends, no family, and I don't have you. Which means I have nothing left to live for. I wish you could be here to change my mind, to tell me how stupid I'm being and that it isn't worth it. I wish you were here to guilt me into getting down, because I really am stupid and I know that this isn't the answer, there's just no other options at the moment that are worth my time.
I just want to see you again, your beautiful face, you're beautiful eyes, you. I want to see you.
This is the only solution to that problem, the only way I'll be able to hold you.
Maybe I can make things better for us, get rid of the nasty habits and be nicer to you. You deserve all of the happiness in the world, which is why I need to make this right. I don't deserve to live, it's my fault you died and I can't live with myself anymore knowing that I'm the reason you're gone.
Did you know your family blames me too?
I mean, they're right, but it would've been nice to have some sort of comfort from them.
They're not the only ones that lost you.
I'm jumping now, the winds rushing past me and to be honest, this is what I was meant for. I'm meant to die, I don't deserve to be here.
A couple seconds pass and the water meets my body, that's all that I remember.
I don't remember every bone breaking in my body, I don't remember the darkness taking over.
What I do remember is waking up in a bed in a room with all white walls and nothing in it.
I remember someone in the room, holding my hand so tight I thought they were going to break my wrist.
I remember feeling no pain at all, no need for the drug that once consumed my life.
I remember seeing you're face, grabbing and holding you like my life depended on it.
I missed you.
Did you miss me too?
Can you hear me?
