Bleeding Color

I'm Afraid

My eyes tore away from his, conflicted.

Their Alice, their savior...their monster, their death.

The red words coming easier now. Less like burdens and more like whispers of freedom.

I would still be needed, just in a different way. I could still be theirs, just not how I had been told.

"Alice." His sharp words cut through my web of confusion.

"This is why I didn't want to go looking for that woman. I mean, I wanted you to know what humans were capable of, but this was too much too fast." Pitri took a deep breath, looking to the stars. "There are good and bad humans, just like there are good and bad Others. If you want to save anyone, you need to know that and help lead them down the right path."

"Perhaps, no one deserves to rule this world." I laid a hand on the ground, allowing a passing beetle to crawl up and onto it. "No one but the little bugs."

The beetle skittered across my fingers, racing over the waves as I moved them. Pitri picked it off carefully and sent it on its way, back on the ground. We both watched it disappear into the grass.

"Alice the world isn't perfect, nor are those who live on it. But that doesn't mean that there aren't those deserving to fight for that chance, to live a good life."

I rested my chin on my knees, pulling myself tight into a ball.

"It's not like they want me anyway."

Pitri scooted over, laying a hand on top of my hand. He pet it.

"Alice, I have a question." He continued when I didn't bother to interrupt him. "Why do you think you need to save the humans?"

"I don't think," I whispered. "I know. It was the reason I was created. The only reason I'm alive."

"So you say; however, why can't you just well, not?"

Heat and anger crept through me. "You want me to just give up on them! On my life, my destiny, my name!"

Jumping back from my rage, he held his hands up in surrender. "Alice, I'm only trying to point out that you are on your own now. Whatever happened to you in that building is the past, ashes disappearing in the wind. You can do whatever you want now and be whoever you want."

"I...I want to be Alice!" I sobbed, tears and snot mixing on my face. A hiccup escaped, rocking my body and soul. "I want to be their Alice and I want them to be worth saving!"

"You can't judge that. It's not fair to you or them."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I collapsed onto the ground, all those years in the dark coming back and crushing me.

"You find a new reason to live."

A new reason? How was I supposed to do that. I held myself tighter, crying a loud wrenching nose that made it hard to breath. Pitri approached again, a careful slow movement to give me time to object. I didn't though, buried too deep in my own sadness. I was lonely and unwanted, by horrible people that I couldn't help but love and hate at the same time. There were no scientists to tell me what was right and wrong. It was so much easier when they planned my life and feed me knowledge. They had made everything so clear and straight, black and white. I realized now that it had been a lie. I truly was a spoiled little brat, blinded by the word "special" and missing the "monster".

I had never felt so stupid and worthless in my life.

Pitri's warm hands lifted my head, gentle not to pull on my snarled hair, and rested it in his lap. He began humming as he stroked my hair. The blonde and red tendrils worked through to create a flowing river. The repetitiveness calmed me and the tone gave me something to hold onto. It was something that could flood my head instead of the words and pain and confusion.

A soft, deep voice drifted through the night.

When I cry do you feel my pain

Or are my tears like drops of rain?

When I laugh do you know the joy I've found

Or is all you hear just the sound?

When I smile do you see what's within

Or is all you see above the skin?

When I talk do you take in what I say

Or do you just pretend to listen throughout the day?

When I blush do you hear my heart race

Or is all you recognize just a red face?

When I frown do you notice the conflict inside

Or is all you see a mask behind which I hide?

I scared, terrified don't you see?

Because no one will ever understand what it is to be me