thunderstorms, clouds, snow, and a slight drizzle

get out of bed.

My back faced my bedroom door as i let out tiny weeps of sorrow. My bedroom windows were all open bringing in the cool winter air. I heavily sighed breathing in slowly. My eyes weak from crying from the past three days. I picked up my head, my hair messy from not combing it. I roll over and search my journal and start to write. I miss you, and soon hopefully ill be with you again. My eyes fill up with tears again as i try to hold back. I slowly peak my head under my bed and search for a pill bottle. My anti-depressants. I swallow two as a tear rolls down my cheek, and i empty out the rest of the bottle on my hand. "I could really end it and be back with you, Jona." I say out loud, until i heard my phone start ringing. I place all the pills carefully back into the container making sure i dont spill any of them on the floor and slowly step back to my bed. "Hello?" My voice cracks. "Hey Arum, Its Joshua." a voice met mine on the other line. Joshua, one of my brothers best friends, and one of my best friends too. "Josh." I say slowly without being able to form any other words. "Im outside, do you mind if i come in?" "Okay." I say desperately wanting to say no, but couldn't. I hung up as i ran my fingers through my hair quickly and pull over one of my brothers sweatshirts over me. I slid on his slippers that were way to big for me, and walked out of my room. I came face to face with my brothers bedroom door, closed, like he was on the other side. I shook my head and walked towards the stairs trying my hardest to hold back tears. I opened the front door to Josh pulling me into a hug. "Arum." He didn't let go. 

Josh and Jona met at sleep away camp when we were all ten years old, they had been friends ever since and Josh was always around. Jona and him both worked at guitar center, until Josh found a more serious band, and Jona had gotten sick. When we found out Jona had cancer, I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I left my heart in that doctors office when we heard the news it was fatal and he didnt have much time left on this planet. I stopped answering phone calls and I moved out of my dorm in Ohio State. My parents hearts shattered as well. Our parents were both lawyers, and spent most of their time at the firm, i know it was because Jona and I are twins, they didnt want to see me at home, reminding them of Jona. He passed away as i held his hand next to the hospital bed. He told me not to cry, and to go out and live my life. He knew about my depression. He knew that i was trying to show him i was doing okay so he wouldnt worry. He would always smile around me, even his final days. I hadn't seen or spoke to Josh since Jona's funeral. Three days prior. 

"I brought you some stuff." Josh said picking up a box next to his feet as i let him inside. "Joshua I can't look at any of that right now." I said glancing over the box, i could tell it was some of my brothers things. Josh and Jona lived with two other guys, until Jona got sick and needed to move back home. Jona had given Joshua alot of his old vinyl records and other items when he was moving. "Arum, he doesnt want you to mope around all day." Josh raised his eyebrow as i set the box on the kitchen counter. "Mhm." I said plopping myself down on the couch. "They are throwing a memorial party for him tonight, i think you should come." Josh said sitting down next to me. "I dont want to." I blankly stared off. "Jona told me to watch you Arum, he told me not to let you do this to yourself. Please, lets do this for him.." His voice cracked as I could tell this was hard for him also. I sighed, knowing if Jona was watching me he would be yelling at me to get the hell out of this house. "Can i take a shower first?" Josh looked at me, "Yeah, you need one." He softly laughed as I got up and ran upstairs. I took a long, warm shower, carefully cleansing my fresh cuts on my arms and wrists. When I got out, i put on Jeans, my brothers favorite green flannel that was too large for me, my snow boots, and i slipped on my snow coat. 

The car ride was full of small talk on Josh's half. He had the same humor as Jona, and he knew it. Jona and I looked identical, But Josh and Jona acting identical. I guess thats how they stayed friends for twelve years later. "So then i ended up dropping my doughnut into the sewer drain." Josh said ending his story that i wasnt listening to as we pulled up to Josh's house he rented out. "You didn't tell me it would be here Josh." I said pushing my back against the car seat. "I am sorry Arum. All of his friends are here, he would be proud you're going to a party." Josh tried to smile. "He would be proud the party is for him." I tried to smile to myself. I was never one for parties, Jona on the other hand loved parties. I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath of the cold winter air. I walked up the front porch and smiled at the chair that Jona and i used to sit on when i came home from college for the weekend and drink until the sun went down. I opened the front door with Josh close behind me. I knew almost everyone there. Their heads turned, and when everyone noticed it was me it got awkward. A few people turned back trying not to make eye contact. "It must be like looking at Jona's ghost, except with long hair." I whispered to Josh. He raised his eyebrow at me. A small group in the living room cheered. "ARUM!" I heard, three of my brothers close friends sat around drinking beer, and i noticed a boy who i'd never met before sitting on the couch with them. I sat on the recliner, something i would claim every time i'd come over to watch movies. "We are just talking about the first time your brother did Shrooms!" Stephan laughed as i rolled my eyes. Stephan, Josh, Charles, and Alex had all rented out this large house together, along with my brother Jona. They all sat around laughing, as i noticed Josh was talking to the boy who i'd never seen before. He looked about our age. I got up from the recliner, taking a beer from the kitchen and walked up the stairs. My fingers grazed the banister. I opened up the first door on the right, Jona's old room.