A Sickly Kind Of Love

Brendon, Brendon, Brendon, what happened? When I wrote and wrote about you, the sun, you weren't supposed to set. This is wrong. Wrong wrong very wrong. We used to hold hands, mine in yours, yours in mine. Yes it was good, but my hand is mine and your hand is yours. when I write and write with my hand on my paper with my pen about the sun, the moon and the stars, it's mine. So, why does everyone think it's yours? Are the bright hollywood lights blurring your vision so much you can't tell what belongs to me and what belongs to you? The sun has set in my eyes, and i don't see it ever rising in my future.

They ask if we're together. Every day, every minute, every hour. I wish I could rewind to a few months back where I would've said no, but teasingly gave your hand a squeeze. Kissed your lips. Kissed you a lot. But I won't let my mind wander because now it's different. Lately, I say no, but I don't squeeze your hand. I keep walking. I hold back tears. I'm a man, no, I won't cry over something this silly. But the love in your eyes used to be aimed at me. Me and only me. Maybe I never showed it but I did . I did love you. More than words could explain. I really did. But I'm not so sure anymore. Every time we touch I feel dread. I feel robbed of my own voice. My feelings. My emotions. I think you have more love in you than before you faded away from me, but it's a sickly kind. It's greedy. It's The kind of love I knew before you. The kind where all you think of and see is parties! Money! Drugs! but who's Ryan? Ryan who? That's me. I'm Ryan Ross! Remember me? That big round light in the night sky? George Ryan Ross! That guy who made you a star? The one with the fucked up life who wrote that number one song about it? The song that you sing each night to thousands of people? No? Didn't think so. I walk home under the lonely moonlight as memories blow away with the breeze.

I still can't believe it. He did it. He kissed that guy. Brendon Urie kissed someone that wasn't me. It hurts. It hurts real bad. I don't think it should but it does. I sit on the curb outside my apartment smoking cigarettes for what seems like hours. 1, 2, 3, 4, boxes become empty in the blink of an eye. Death. Cancer. Pain. That's what the warning label says on these things. The cigarette between my fingers is dying. If Brendon were the cigarette he'd never die out. He's got an everlasting flame, but it still comes with Death. Cancer. Pain. The cigarette's embers turn from shades of red and yellow to black as coal, seemingly lifeless.

We touched today. My hand in yours. Your hand in mine. It was really nice, Bren. I forgot what it felt like. I think I like you again, yeah I like you. A lot. When we touched a little 'Ryan love' returned to your big brown eyes. Some of the 'Money!Drugs!Parties!' love drained away. I smile. I smile, Brendon! Big and bright and wide. For the first time in months. This is nice Bren. Do you still like me? I still like you, Ryan. That's good. I think my heart just skipped a beat, but hey, that's alright as long as you like me. You tell me you missed this. Missed what? Us. Us? Yeah. Yeah, Brenny. I missed us too. I don't tell you that out loud, but I swear it's true. You wrap your arms around me. A hug. It feels foreign. I'm cold cold really cold, but now i'm a little bit warmer. Thanks. Why did we fight, again? Did we even fight? I forgot, but that's okay. I don't think it was important. You hug me tighter.

What happened? You're together again? Since when?  Yeah. That's all I say. I think Jon asked those questions but I'm too preoccupied to notice. On the couch of our tour bus, you lace our fingers together. I shift closer to you. You have such pretty eyes Bren. Big, brown, and beautiful. I could get lost in them for hours upon hours. You're smiling now. I love when you smile. You're beautiful, did you know that? Now you're blushing and I'm leaning in and we're close, closer. I can count your eyelashes at this distance and -kissing. OH. We're actually kissing. I feel that familiar heat creep into my abdomen and remember how much i missed this. I'm crying. Why are you crying?  You.