Give & Take (boyxboy)

Chapter 7

Ashad barely had the strength to walk home from the bus stop. It felt like his chest had been torn open, his heart exposed to the brisk wind. Everything hurt, from the soles of his feet to the shuddering breaths he tried to take in past the lump in his throat. He wasn't sure how long he'd been crying for. He hastily wiped any stray drops from his face when he reached his house, but if anyone saw his face he was sure they'd know he'd been bawling his eyes out.

He opened the front door and made a beeline for his room. "Hello Ashad!" called his mum from the kitchen. "It's almost dinnertime!"

"I'm not hungry," he called, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. The strong smell of cooking meat was making him nauseous. "I'll have something later."

"Ashad? Is something wrong?"

But he was already closing the door to his room. As soon as he was alone, he fell to his knees, curling up into a ball with his arms wrapped around his stomach, and the tears wouldn't stop coming. His stomach was collapsing like a dying star, his eyes were trying to drown themselves in the sea. He replayed Jeremy's reaction unwillingly, that look of disgust and shock, that single word.

"Why?"

I don't know why, Ashad screamed silently in his head. I don't know why it had to be you. Why couldn't I just fall in love with your gay sister and remain alone, unloved, forever? Why did I have to tell you? He felt so stupid. He'd warned himself never to make a move because he'd lose that friendship. He'd lose the chance to be so close to a person he cared about so much. He'd lose the respect of the only person whose opinion he really cared about.

Was there really no way to fix things? He sure felt hopeless.

Ashad couldn't even believe how badly it had gone. He hadn't even confessed his feelings first, to at least prepare Jeremy. To gauge how much it would affect him. And then it had been a classic, textbook rejection. Twice in the space of three weeks, and by twins from the same family, no less. I really have terrible luck.

But deep down he knew it wasn't down to luck, it was down to attraction and how he'd failed to approach Jeremy in a way that wouldn't scare him away completely. He'd become intoxicated by the happiness he felt when they hung out, which to Jeremy had merely been the fun that friends had together. How could he have let himself get so close — so close that he could see the light freckles on Jeremy's cheeks and smell the faintest hint of cologne — and then destroy it all with one kiss?

For one blissful moment Ashad had thought it was going to be okay. When Jeremy kissed him back, he felt a surge of joy burst within him. And two seconds later, he stumbled back, with Jeremy holding him at arm's length. Ashad would never forget the look that Jeremy gave him, his gaze full of utter disappointment and revulsion. And yet there had been hurt and confusion there, too. Ashad felt the guilt creep to his core like a cold poison in his veins.

"Ashad?" He looked up when he heard his brother's voice and a knock on the door.

"What do you want, Aabdar?" Ashad asked tiredly as his brother walked into the room. He didn't look up.

"You've been in here for two hours, man." Aabdar sat beside him. "Don't you want dinner?"

"Nope."

"Aren't you feeling well?"

"...I had a shit day."

Aabdar's tone turned sympathetic. "What happened?"

Ashad gulped. He wasn't sure how much he was prepared to share. "I lost a friend today," he said finally. There. That much was safe enough to admit.

"That sucks, bro." Aabdar pulled him into a side hug. "Were you close?" Ashad nodded, feeling tears rise in his eyes again. "I'm sure you guys can work it out again. Just give it a bit of time."

"I don't think time will help," Ashad said hopelessly.

The next morning he couldn't make himself go to school. That would mean seeing Jeremy, and he just couldn't do that. His mum kept trying to feed him, but he barely had any appetite. Aabdar seemed a little worried about him and kept checking on Ashad during the day, before he left for uni, when he returned from uni, before he went to bed. Aabdar didn't question him any more than he had, though.

Ashad had to go to school the next day after that, however. His dad wasn't having any more of his moping around the house. "Harden up," he'd said, never lifting his eyes from his morning paper. And Ashad didn't have the heart to defy him.

He and Jeremy consciously avoided each other at school the next day. Jeremy even asked Toby to swap seats with him in art, which made Ashad feel like he was crumbling a little more on the inside. By their last period of the day, English, he couldn't stand being in the same room as Jeremy, so he left for the bathroom and didn't come back to the end of class. He cried again. How could he physically cry this much? Didn't people dry up if they used too many tears? He didn't know, because he'd never been this cut up over anyone, or anything, before.