Tracy

089:

"Is Michael here?" She turned and looked at Julian, interrupting the grief counselor who she couldn't concentrate on even if she'd wanted to. She'd heard this part before.

Julian nodded.

"I don't know where to stay? Kirk and Coral's? I just wish my room wasn't upstairs--- their stairs are so narrow. I'll always be carrying babies, oh, never mind, I'll just stay there."

"I would offer my and Bridget's apartment, but Austin's place is far more user friendly for you and the kids, and you're all familiar with it, you've stayed there before. Or you can go up to Park City, pretty sure you have all your stuff there."

"I have stuff at Austin's." She said wearily. "Maybe that would be better. Do I have a car still?"

"You actually have the garages and the security apartment. You could kick the guys out and go live there."

"I'm never going back there."

"Okay." He shuffled over to her, looking at the sleeping babies. "Go to Austin's. It'll be okay for a few weeks, till you get settled."

"I'm never getting settled."

"Okay." She looked out the window again. "Look at them-- minding their own business, going about their lives. Look at me. My life just stopped. I got up, went jogging like usual, and then-- my life just--stopped."

"I'm here, baby. I'm here. Bridget is waiting for you, Richard is here. Michael. We're all here for you. We aren't going anywhere."

"I know." She said with a sigh, and turned away from the window, leaning against it, biting her lips. She slowly shook her head from side to side, her hair tangling over her shoulders. "He lowered Danny out the window, our bedroom window. He had to break the window. Fresh paint must have caused it to stick. I know I haven't had it open. We keep the air conditioner on all the time." She shrugged, clapping a hand over her mouth, as her eyes welled up. "I need Richard." She motioned with her hand. "Not like-- you know. I don't need Richard, he's not my-- anything. But he can get rid of this stupid shitty current."

The last words were said with vehemence-- one at a time. Not strung together. Each one telling a story. Stupid. Shitty. Current.

Jules nodded. "I'll get him."

"No-- you stay. Would you be so kind as to bring Richard Mann to me? He is in the waiting room." She turned to the nurse.

"I'm sorry, this is ICU, we can't have more than--"

"Well, I can't leave my children, and I have a medical condition that ----." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Get Richard."

Julian nodded quickly and started to depart.

"Jules. Just stay there. How hard can this be? I'm having a migraine. It's self-induced, and stress induced and-- Richard is right out there. Just have the nurse get Richard."

The nurse wasn't moving, the grief counselor however had backed to the door. Danny threw his blocks on the floor and tried to get up. Tracy didn't move from the window.

She smiled and drew in a deep breath. "I don't cuss-- much-- really. That should be an indicator to you just how unstable I am. I took out my own IV a few minutes ago, and refused the sedative. Would you.... Please get me Richard Mann? If you can't do it, would you find someone who can?"

Julian bit his lips. "She's on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Can you just humor her?" He started to walk to Tracy and tried to take her in her arms, but she shoved him away, her eyebrows raised and staring at the nurse.

"If this is a contest of wills, I will win." She went to the incubators and started to lift the lids. "I swear, I'm leaving. I'm leaving! Get me out of here! I'm leaving!" She had just about lifted the lids when Richard appeared in the doorway. He pushed past the nurse and the grief counselor and took a deep breath filling the room with his presence.

"Take my hand, Tracy." He said calmly.

She whirled, seeing him, and grabbed the outstretched hand and held it tightly, looking calmly into his warm dark eyes.

She nodded in tiny jerks, holding his wrist. "Nobody knows what this is like. What it's like to feel my lip tingle from his nursing on it. I can still feel him in my arms last night when I kissed him goodnight. I can see him standing in his crib, calling to me, in his little baby voice, ma-- ma--. He can't even talk yet..."

Tears squeezed out the corners of her eyes. "Yesterday he was crawling up the stairs and Danny was at the top, oh how he wanted to do whatever Danny was doing.... Come here, Stevie, Come here! I can see his chubby little hand holding onto his little car. He wouldn't let that thing go. I can see him hanging onto my table, with the stereo on, standing there, balancing, bouncing to the Beach Boys. We went down to the water, and he was eating sand at the beach. There was sand in his diaper. I can see him in the bath...." Her arms were clenched across her chest now as if she were holding the little body that wasn't there.

Richard stood there, his eyes filled but not overflowing, so that she was a blurry little blob in front of him. He held her shaking hand.

"Sir." Someone said behind them, and Richard just stood there. "Sir." A throat cleared.

Tracy stepped close, her hands dropped to her sides, she shook her head. "This isn't real. It can't be happening. I can't do this."

"I know." Richard said softly.

"Sir." The voice behind him insisted.

"Trace, we're here. Jules is here. Bridget too."

"I want Raine, and Steven." Her lips trembled and she looked up at him beseechingly. "I can't do this."

*****