I should have seen it coming. I am stuck, so there's no way to escape.
cries 1. A loud utterance of an emotion, such as fear, anger, or despair.
cry 1. To shed tears, especially as a result of strong emotion such as grief, sorrow, pain, or joy.
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I tell myself to not cry,
I always end up doing it somehow.
No matter if I tell myself not to.
Its idiot to tell yourself to not cry; yet, I do it anyway. Full well, knowing that it helps release pent-up emotions.
We cry over many things.
May it be because of shedding tears of joy, expressing sorrow, or showing sympathy.
There shouldn't be a feeling of shame in cry; a stigma against it.
Maybe, that's just how I feel; constantly being told to toughen up and to not cry, has ingrained itself into my brain.
Its made me become ashamed, possibly scared, of expressing my feelings.
The urge to stay hidden, shut away from the world; and having to bottle ever single thought till one day you explode.
Keeping your every thought hidden as if it were a secret.
Feeling the constant guilt build up for keeping them, and then eventually crying.
Then feeling bad because you did cry.
Crying shouldn't make you feel bad; its to help us so that we are able to openly express ourselves.
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Yet, here I am, sitting in a pitch black room inevitably choosing to cry alone.
Thinking about why I have to be alone to release emotions.
Knowing the answer, is that I don't trust others enough to hear my cries for help; for someone to listen. To listen to the mixture of emotions.
The
anger,
anxiety,
sadness,
and the overall feeling of helplessness.
Crying is how I escape my reality, how I deal with it alone.
Thoughts of changing how I want to handle this has ran across my mind before.
It scares me, why change if there's already a system in place.
Change is scary.
This facade of mine has been with me for so long; that I've forgotten how to be me.
All that's left is this shell that flashes a radiating smile, yet has nothing within.
I've been told that I should rely on others more.
However, I cannot find a justifiable reason to put my load onto someone else's shoulders.
The upmost amount of guilt would skyrocket inside of me; I don't want to be a burden.
I don't want others to worry about me, when I know they have themselves to handle.
Besides I want to be remembered as, Sophia, the one that smiles brightly and spreads a contagious laugh to those around me.
Not the version of the Sophia that cries, probably every other night, in her room.
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They don't need to know I cry; that I feel helpless to many things.
The many things that I can't help but, be helpless to.
Emotions, crying, is a human flaw. An unnecessary flaw in our creation.
That's how I would think, however, what distinguishes us as individuals are our emotions and how we express ourselves.
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Je devrais avoir vu venir. Je suis coincé, il n'y a aucun moyen de s'échapper. S'il vous plaît Don't cry.
J'ai dit 's'il vous plaît ne pleure pas.'
Une fois de plus 's'il vous plaît Don't cry.'
Cependant, j'ai pleurer et il n'y a aucun arrêt.
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Thanks for being you and stay true to yourself.
Yours truly,
Sophia.
01/28/18
