cant take it on my own (joshler)

introduction, part 9

Nick: anyways hospitals suck

yes they do

save me

some kid is screaming now help

Nick: #deafbenefits no screaming children

dude come on

Nick: is the truth

Nick: oh my god u know whats funny

Nick: sometimes i make negative comments about the military and people go all "how can u say that the army is the best thing ever it defends us"

Nick: like dude I have a purple heart

Nick: i served dont u think i would know how it is

ugh

my parents dont understand trauma at all because they havent experienced it and if they havent then no one has

like dad comes down stairs: panic attack

mom tosses me a water bottle: panic attack

i think im better now but staying with them for a week when i was only two weeks out was like hell

Nick: helicopters: panic attack

Nick: i know im safe but its still scary

Nick: that it in neurotypical words?

yeah

It's silent between them. Silent in the way that they aren't talking, that no texted words are being exchanged between them. Nick is the only person Josh knows that has any idea what he's been through, what flashbacks are like. Nick is one of two that understands triggers, Tyler is the other.

Josh can feel tears welling up in his eyes. None of it was fair. He didn't deserve any of what happened to him. Nick didn't deserve what happened to him either. Nobody deserved bad things.

Josh grits his teeth as he begins to sob, shoulders curling forward, body shaking. It takes Nick a second to look up and notice, but when he does, he's up by Josh's side immediately, wrapping him in comforting arms.

It takes a long time for Josh to wind down, but Nick doesn't seem to mind. Nick doesn't mind much at all. He's the new parent for everyone with shitty parents.

"Sorry." Josh says once he's pretty sure Nick is looking at his face. Nick must get it, because he nods and smiles, then says in a shaky, unsure voice. "Don't worry about it, man."

Josh nods, and then hugs Nick tight.

Nick leaves soon after and is replaced by Tyler, who looks half asleep and immediately begins talking about a murder case as soon as he sits down. Josh misses most of the details, but distinctly remembers Tyler talking for two solid minutes about a fancy knife found at the crime scene.

Eventually Tyler wears himself down into silence. Josh looks over, and Tyler's head is leaned backwards, breathing even. He's asleep.

Josh smiles. Tyler is adorable.

"Hey." Josh reaches over and shakes Tyler awake.

"Huh?" Tyler jumps. "What?" He looks around. "Oh... I fell asleep."

"You did." Josh smiled. "Come here."

Tyler stands up beside Josh's bed. "What is it?"

Josh pulls Tyler down by the collar of his shirt and secures their lips together.

The kiss is chaste, and last for only a few seconds. Any deeper, any longer, any more feeling behind it, Josh was almost sure he would have a panic attack.

When they break apart, Tyler blinks a couple times. "Um."

"You. Me. Coffee. After I get out of this hospital." Josh says.

"A date?" Tyler asks. He looks a little dazed.

"Yes, a date." Josh smiles and lets go of Tyler, who then sits back down.

It takes Tyler a few seconds before the words click in his brain and he grins. "Cool!"

"We're gonna go slow, if you can handle that." Josh tries to relax, only now realizing the anxiety thrumming through his bones and twisting in his stomach.

"Of course I can." Tyler says. His smile softens. "Am I pressuring you?"

"No." Josh says, and that ends the conversation.

It's silent, before Tyler says "Have you ever been under anesthesia before?"

"No." Josh's voice is shaky. "My... My arm's going to be broken again, and I know it's not him that's going to have done it, but..."

"It's scary." Tyler supplies. Josh nods.

"And hardly anyone else gets it! Just Nick, you, and Chris to some extent. My parents don't understand..."

"Hey." Tyler lays a hand on Josh's arm. "You're gonna be fine, okay? I promise. Nobody will hurt you while you're asleep."

"That's not what I'm afraid of." Josh whispers. He never did anything while Josh was asleep.

"Then what are you afraid of?"

"I don't know."

It's quiet after that.

When Tyler leaves, Josh remains, with his fear running through his bloodstream.

His rational mind knows that he's going to be safe.

His fear doesn't.

And the next day, when the mask is fitted over his mouth and nose and he's instructed to breathe, he is alone.

So he lets the world slip away into darkness.