The Good Listener

Alone

I've always been a good listener. Kept my mouth shut, just listen. People come to me asking for advice because they think I am wise, the truth is I am just me. A normal teenager just like everyone else... well maybe not like everyone else. Since I was a child, I went over three important deaths: my dad's, my grandpa's and my grandma's. All that happened when I was very little. But of course no one actually wants to hear about me.

People ask me for advice thinking that I am wise, just because I went through a lot of stuff when I was a kid. They think I am strong when I am not, they think I don't care about what other people may say; when in reality it's what affects me the most. Having low self-esteem makes you be like this. Putting a fake smile on your face because your family can't know how broken you are. Being self-conscious all the time because you are not good enough, you are not good enough for anyone. Everything you do will never be perfect and you will never be satisfied with what you do, you will question yourself over and over what if people won't like it? What if they won't like you? Because you are not yourself anymore, you've transformed yourself in this kind of joke that needs other people's approval to do anything. Writing this and thinking whether to post it or not. Realizing that your life is not yours anymore because you dedicate it to please others. Listen to their problems, when they rant about things, give them advice when they ask you for and then see how happy they are but you are not. Because no one actually cares if you are broken. You might cry in front of them and they will say "I am here for you, I will listen to you, and I will never leave you"; then they will try to change the topic to anything related to them but not you and again ranting for the stupidest thing, but remember you will always be the good listener. After some weeks or a couple of months they will leave you. You will want them back so you change, and again you are not yourself. But even not being you and pretending to be some different type of person, you will not be happy so you change back. Being alone again. At the same time you get bullied at school, and your "friends" think you are exaggerating. You are afraid to go to school, you don't want to see anyone, nor do anything. Almost all your friends have abandoned you, you are on your own, and no one is there for you. You have a big hole in your heart, you are depressed. To be self-conscious and to have low self-esteem makes you like this. You don't like yourself, you don't like your body and you think you are worthless. Even when you have a moment of happiness you better treasure that moment because the reality is another one. You will end up again like this. Again. On your own. No one will be there for you.

So in conclusion... Am I strong? Am I wise? The answer is no I am not strong, I just don't say much, I don't talk about it; and I am not wise nor smart, I try to use common sense and depending on the person I dress it up in what they need to hear. I just know how to talk to make me look like I know things. As if I was smart, but I am not. I am just like any teenager; I suffer like anyone else; the mean things people say, they do hurt me. I am like everyone else; I am just a little bit more sensitive, maybe because I went through a lot as a kid or maybe because I was bullied for the first time when I was 6. But I know I am not special. I am like everyone else. I am a good listener.