xix. private message

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it's 1 am but i need your advice on something so im just gonna blow up ur phone
hopefully it doesn't wake you
ok
so
i think i have a thing for Steven??? i don't know if i'd call it like feelings - i mean obviously it's a feeling but idk if it's the "i wanna spend lazy afternoons and cuddle and watch the third season of friends with you" kinda feeling i think it's just the "you like me and idk now ur fucking me up and making me question if i like you so im trapped in this endless void of indecisiveness and overthinking"
wow that's rly specific
i get rly in my feelings after midnight btw, so you should probably get used to that from here on out
anyway yeah
if it were anyone else i'd just get it over with and date them cause god knows it wouldn't last, but this is steven like
he's so
he's a lazy afternoons kinda person and i just don't wanna put him through that - through me, basically
bc i'll break up with him sooner or later like i broke up with Dust just mainly because she made me look bad
not bc she wasn't here or i suspected that she was sleeping with other people, but just bc she made people pity me and usually im the one making people pity whomever im with
and i dont want Steven to be pitied
"oh so then just don't break up with him!!!"
i mean like i wouldn't have broken up with dust if Steven hadn't inadvertently convinced me it was the right thing to do so who's to say some other fuck won't come around and convince me to leave steven
and i thought dust was pretty great so imagine what i could do to someone as amazing as steven
i am pretty much a descendent of lucifer and i shouldn't be allowed to have any form of communication with others
and then there's fucking Danny shrinking my head and saying that i should "just get over the idea of him liking me like i always get over everybody i date" and for some reason that kinda got me mad bc i hate the idea of that???
i don't even think Steven is an idea i think he's probably one of the best people I've ever met, but to just "get over the idea of him liking me" sounds so appalling like ugh no
Danny worded Steven like a phase (like prm how every person i date is) and it made me mad bc he wouldn't be a fucking phase - but then i realised that he would be because im horrible and i would just get over him after a few weeks
this message is just everywhere im so sorry
to summarise: Steven is the reason I am up rn and I hate it bc i don't think I hate him
so yeah
you'll be reading this in the morning so good morning Lauren don't forget to put on deodorant bro

rat
i'm awake too hey
can i come over
i feel like we should talk

i would be the one to fuck that up (-:
but um anyway yeah sure

rat
cool On my way!
wtf autocorrect that looks disgusting
smh
anyway yeah omw

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