I know I've written in here before about stuff that's happened in the past few years. My parents divorcing, my dad leaving, etc. Basically, stupid stuff that happened while I was in high school and should be behind me. A lot of times, I'm convinced every part of it is, and that I've moved on entirely.
But I'm starting to realize that will never be the case. My dad just up and left when he wanted a divorce from my mom, and I think that really screwed me up. I remember always thinking, if my own father doesn't love me enough to stick around, then who the hell will? I always had that thought during my three and a half year relationship that ended recently. Throughout that time, my ex broke up with me because he claimed he didn't love me anymore. He did that three times, and every time he came back and said he'd made a mistake. I wised up and broke it off completely the third time, but the mere fact that he did that through such a long relationship is kind of disheartening to me.
That brings me to now. I've started seeing someone that I really like, and things have been going well. Until recently. I've begun convincing myself that, since he hasn't had a ton of time to talk to me lately what with school and such, that he's losing interest in me. Granted, I know damn well he actually could be losing interest, but I'm also aware that I'm really freaking paranoid because of stuff that's happened to me in the past. Am I reasonably worried? Or am I just freaking myself out? I'm more afraid that this is something that will stick with me my entire life. How the hell am I supposed to trust anyone at any point not to leave me when I won't let myself trust them? I'm the type of person that doesn't want to trust anyone, but I end up trusting almost everyone. That's why, when my trust is betrayed, I take it horribly. I don't really know what to do when someone does something wrong by me.
So basically, right now I'm terrified. I don't know if I should be letting someone in while I'm having these thoughts, but I'm too damn scared that I'll miss out on someone great in the process. I'm losing sleep over this crap, and I'm really upset with myself for it. I know I'm a good person and worth someone's time. I'm not self conscious. But I'm so freaking worried that I'm going to blink and someone's back is going to be turned on me for no God damn reason. It's happened before, with my own dad nonetheless, so why shouldn't it happen again?
I was hoping to make myself feel better with this, but I'm freaking myself out more.
Until next time.
