You Don't Come Close.

11

"Are you going to push me away again?"

"No. Not now."

"But in a few hours?"

His voice stays collected, just a little timid, but casual. "Yes...maybe..."

I give a deep sigh and get a little space between us. "Axl I can't do that. I don't want to."

He nods, but comes near again, head on my shoulder. "Do you wanna leave?", he asks, while his fingers smoothly stroke over the back of my hand, then he grabs it and my will breaks with him holding it firmly.

"No...", I whisper, weakly, feebly, "I don't."

It's friday and I called Adriana, like promised. It's friday and I am finding myself on her couch with her head against my shoulder and Axls bare feet on my thighs. He has been constantly confiding the last week, as I cared for him the best I could and although his sickness is fully gone, he hasn't abandoned me by now again.

Yes, he snarled at me, he suddenly disappeared in the middle of the night, twice, to leave mine and crawl into his own bed, but he came back, every morning or night or afternoon, depending on when I got shit faced with Stevie. He didn't say anything when I came back one morning, being so wasted I crawled into our room, falling unconscious right there on the floor and woke in my own vomit.

He did say nothing when I came into his bed the day after, my face pressed against his back and he stayed with me as I felt into some weird kind of apathetic depression, caught in the aftermaths of having had a speed-ball party that hit me a little too hard. Good signs.

I still don't know what I want and I still don't wanna figure it out. I don't wanna talk about it. But I stopped being angry since I noticed him trying to be nice. Maybe it was jealousy when he saw me with that girl, maybe he just understood that I could stop dealing with his shit every second- but he deals with mine as well, right?-, I really can't figure out what it was, but something changed and I won't complain.

I watch him loosen some knots in his hair, smiling at me with those small, beautifully formed and pink lips, while his toes are curling, tighten the cloth of my jeans. Adriana is drunk, cause' Axl brought her a bottle of wine and she's always talkative then, so she's telling us stories from work, making Axl laugh every five seconds and I just enjoy that I'm so used to being drunk as fuck that I'm feeling quiet normal, more or less just listening and bathing in the certainty that everything is just alright for a change.

"And that dude just comes to me, asking if he can fuck my armpit. I am all like 'No, I don't fuck people and when I do then really not into my armpits'..."

"Ugh."

"Yeah. And he was fat and hairy and sweaty."

"Maybe you chose the wrong job.", I interpose, while smoking deeply.

"No, no. I'm absolutely fuckin' happy with it. By the way guys, you gotta' do me a favor!"

She leans back into the couch, throwing her high heels on the desk and grinning drunkenly.

"What favor?"

Biting her lips, she's looking all excited and really sexy with her boobs almost falling from her transparent shirt. And yes, I goddamn love her tits. Well and all in general.

"I wanna see you fucking."

Axls expression is probably described the best as a mixture out of shock, embarrassment, disbelief and maybe a little hint of amusement. "What?!", he gasps and I laugh at his visible helplessness, face all blushed.

"Ya' heard me, sugar. I saw everything, but that particular part happened without me", she shrugs her shoulders, "and I wanna watch."

"Naughty girl...", I murmur, knowing that Axl will never, ever give in to that, but suddenly he's shrugging his shoulders as well, looking all careless. "Why not? I don't fuckin' care."