Himitsu (Book One of the Kakureta Hana series)

II: Ni

Ryuu is waiting for me when I finally finish making my rounds. He throws an arm around my shoulder, and even though I'm expecting it like always, I flinch a little.

"That's the first I've heard of you not wanting to marry, Jun. What would your father have to say of your choice?"

I swallow hard and fight to keep my face neutral. "My father supported my decision not to marry. It was something we were going to deal with together in the future."

He loops a finger through my raven hair, and my heart leaps alarmingly at the contact. "It's a shame though." Giving me a wink after that cryptic statement, Ryuu saunters off, leaving me flustered with a blush creeping up my neck.

What ever is wrong with me? I have always admired my general, part of why he was my general, but he had never made me feel this way. No one had. And what would my retainers think if they saw me blushing after the slightest contact with Ryuu?

The thought makes a flush of embarrassment flush my cheeks even more, and I fiddle with the hilt of my katana, trying to forget the thought. They would believe they found the reason for my unwillingness to wed.

Raking a hand through my hair, which was shorter than it was before my father had died, I prepare myself to go look at our young samurai. The ones Igarashi Ryuu is currently training.

"Lord Amachi!" A voice calls, and I turn to find one of the servants, a Shimizu Natsumi, running towards me.

"Yes, Natsumi?" I ask, glad with the excuse not to go to training yet.

With her own brownish curls tumbling out of her bun and a flush lighting her copper eyes, Natsumi fights to catch her breath. "One of the others, Chiasa to be exact, is giving birth! Cook told me to find you if I could."

I had forgotten that I had told Cook to tell me when the newest member of the clan was to arrive. Sure, it is strange for the lord to want to be present at such a time, but nothing about me is typical for my position.

"Natsumi, can you tell Lord Ryuu I will not be at the training field today?" I question of her, and as soon as she nods, I take off the hallway at the fastest pace possible while still looking dignified.

I have to look a fright when I come to a stop outside the room where Chiasa is fighting to bring new life into the world. Cook instantly blocks my entrance.

"You can't go in there, milord," she says, body a more effective barrier than any wall built. "Despite what you seem to think, it's not prudent or suggested for a young unmarried man to attend a birthing."

I smile at her. "That's never stopped me before."

"Would it also be just like there's nothing stopping you from stealing every morsel of food you can find from my kitchen?" She adds a hint of a smile to it, telling me that it's a jest. "I won't let you in there, Lord Jun, but I will bring the child out to you if the mother allows."

Cook makes good on her promise, like always, emerging hours later with a little squirming bundle cradled in her arms. Carefully, she hands the babe to me, and I'm suddenly gazing down at the tiny features in awe.

A deep longing wells up in my chest before I can stop it, and my lungs seem to suck in the disappointment rather than air. Just one more thing my father has taken away from me: the chance to have a family. After all, it would be a strange sight when someone thought to be male swelled with child.

"Why did you decide not to wed, milord, if you don't mind my asking?" Cook, the ever-clever one, sees my look before I can hide it away again.

"It's far too complicated," I say, running a finger along the babe's face. "I suppose you heard about that discussion from Lord Taro after the council parted ways."

She has the good sense to blush at the accusation but still shakes a finger at me. "Don't you dare, little one. You may be lord of the clan, but to me, you are still the mischievous boy sneaking into my kitchen in the middle of the night."

I laugh at the memory. "I was hungry. Growing children need their food."

"Unless it's something that would actually put meat on those bones. All you ever wanted was sweets." She looks at a point beyond me. "Granted, Lord Ryuu was the same, weren't you?"

I turn slightly to find the general appraising me, eyes lingering on the child in my arms. His smile twists his lips just barely as he takes a step closer.

"I was the same way, but no one can resist Cook's sweets," Ryuu slips an arm around me and tugs my ear teasingly. "I see that a babe was more important than training, Jun. Who would have guessed?"

I swat at his hand, trying to ignore the heat threatening to engulf my cheeks again and not to drop the babe still in my arms. "I happen to enjoy children, Ryuu. Whatever made you think I didn't?"

"The fact that you stated you had no desire to marry. It's hard to have children if you are not wedded in some way, whether legally or not."

His words have conjured up a vision of a child with amber eyes, long dark hair done up with bows, and my slightly crooked smile. My face feels hot, and I push the babe back towards Cook, who takes her in puzzlement.

"Jun, where are you going?" My general asks as I take off down the hallway. "I wasn't trying to upset you. Jun, come back!"

I stumble into my room, hardly remembering how I got there and blinking hard to dispel the tears that had sprung into my eyes. Why of all things did I imagine amber eyes on a child, my child? It must have been the result of too much time around Ryuu.

A knock sounds on my door, and I slump against the cold floor, knowing who it is. "Jun, what did I do wrong?"

A tears slides down my cheek, one I was not aware of before, and I clear my throat before saying, "Go away, Ryuu."

He heaves a sigh, and his silhouette rests its forehead against my door. "I'm not leaving until I know everything's all right."

I pull my legs up to my chin, take a deep breath, and tell him, "Go away, Ryuu, before I have to command you to as your lord." There's a long pause before I inject more power into my voice and half-yell, "Leave me be, Igarashi Ryuu!"

Another low sigh sounds outside my door before I hear his footsteps retreating. Energy sapped, I rest my head against my knees and let the sobs consume my body, my sorrow streaming out of me until I feel empty.