Midnight Shades

Chapter 67

Keeping my eyes forward, I feel the tension rising between us, though I don't speak. I have to speak, yes, but I don't know what to say, I don't want to say the wrong thing.

"Why did you do that?" He breaks the silence with this question.

"It seemed like the right thing to do then." I reply honestly.

"Regardless of it being right or wrong, you weren't supposed to make a decision that's mine." He says softly and quietly.

"Well, I made a mistake." I shrug. "And I'm sorry for it."

"It sucked, you know?" He says. "Having to see and remember things when you can't find an explanation for it."

I shake my head. "Please, stop."

"I would see those many pictures of you, paintings. I'd get flashbacks, but I wouldn't know who was that, and that fucked with my mind." He continues.

"I already feel guilty, please." I beg, tugging at the roots of my hair.

"You should." He speaks and I look at him.

"Is that why you're here? To say that and make me feel more guilty?" I ask, my voice getting a bit louder as I continue looking at his eyes.

"Maybe," He shrugs. "You weren't fair to me."

I get up as I breathe heavily, pacing around myself before I stop and look at him, yelling, "I wasn't fair to myself. I tried to do anything to keep you safe, even if what I did was wrong of me, my intention behind everything was to keep you safe! And you still got hurt, you got shot!"

He gets up, too, walking closer angrily. He yells, "Maybe I got shot because we weren't together. Maybe we would've been safer together, don't you think so?"

"I was foolish!" I spit angrily. "I was stupid, and I didn't think correctly. I thought keeping you away from the mess would keep you safe, but I was wrong, and it's alright. I'm not a saint, my decisions aren't always correct."

"It wasn't your decision," He shouts just as loudly. "From day one in our relationship, all you'd do is keep things from me, make decisions for me, assume things that are not true."

"Because I had to!" I cry angrily, the tears hot and fresh on my face. "It's not like we have the easiest and simplest relationship, it's not like I was free and had the right to do whatever the fuck I wanted. You don't understand, Louis. You were a fantasy to me, before everything, of course I had to keep things from you, I was scared," My voice cracks in the end as I continue more quietly. "I'm still scared. I have been through things that a person of my age shouldn't go through, and you were what kept me strong. I... everything in me depended on you, and it sounds wrong, but it's true. I was weak and fragile without you, and I made a wrong decision, but that time away from you taught me how to depend on other people, on myself."

"Tallulah..."

"I'd be crushed without you, but I'd be crushed and independent. It wasn't my place to decide and keep you away from the fight, and for that I'm deeply sorry. I know how it feels like to be incapable of making your own decisions, and I shouldn't have done that, but I swear to you, I just wanted to keep you safe, nothing else. I didn't want be without you, but I couldn't risk losing you."