A Lifetime in Repeat (My Transgender Story)

When You wish Upon A Star

"Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight."

And then under my breath.

I wish when I wake up tomorrow, that I'll be a boy

Yep, that was five-year-old me wishing upon a star for something impossible.

I think I may have wished the same thing when I blew out my birthday candle on my sixth birthday, I know, It's sad.

I was always one of the boys, ya know? I wasn't into sport, but I wasn't into girl-things either. What did I like growing up? Video games, Magic tricks, Anime, Lego (like I really REALLY loved lego), dominos, matchbox cars, roller skating, card games like snap, and switch. I liked listening to the top forty with my mum, I liked to draw and write and play with play-dough. I liked sandcastles and surfing, playing Monopoly and always being to money bag, I loved just being me.

Everything I liked was gender-nutural, from the clothes on my back to the toys I played with, even my haircut and one point. Oh yeah, the haircut.

If you've known me for a long time you might probably remember me showing up to third grade in late July with a buzz-cut. Yeah, I did it myself and when I went to the barber he though I was a mad-man. I guess I was. I didn't want to be a girl anymore. I was a boy! I was. I kept a lock of my hair in a little box with me drawn as a boy on a little bit of paper and locked it away. I got sick of waiting and just cut it all of and my God I LOVED my new look!

Mum and Dad didn't. They thought I was depressed. And when I went back to school everyone treated me differently for a day. Everyone wanted to play with me and include me. (I later found out this was because my teacher had told them to) It lasted a day, It was a good day.

I have a cousin who is about six years older than I am, his name is Shane. I got all of Shane's hand-me-downs and I loved them! I only wore Shane's clothes for many years, prior and post haircut. He had some cool things, especially clothes from Billabong and RipCurl (which were cool in the mid-late 200s). I remember in 2010, my mum and dad had gone to a local primary school to vote and I came with them. I had my buzz-cut, I was wearing Shane's clothes and I was confident. Except for one tiny detail. I was wearing pink sneakers. I was so embarrassed. Pink? Boys don't wear pink! I, though, someone was going to expose me. However that day I went with my little brother to get a sausage sandwich (Aussie pride) and the woman serving us said "Enjoy boys!" as she handed us out sausages. BOYS! THAT'S ME! I was so happy that she called me a boy. I was still self-conscious about the pink, though. Ugh.

When Shane's clothes got old I started wearing my dad's old shirts. They were just as good, he had a tone of vintage items.

I kind of stayed quiet until the end of primary school, I was just me and wasn't trying to be someone I wasn't (or was for that matter) I just let time slip away. When I was in High school, at some point I decided to stop the nonscense and be a woman! I was going through puberty, and any trans person knows that when puberty hits, they feel abliged to listen to their body and be the sex they were asigned at birth. I was in that phase of trying to be as feminen as possible all the way up until now, October, 2016. This marks the start of a revolution.

I just wish I had had the courage to come out sooner. I would have saved myself from many sleepless nighs and many dauntig thoughs of suicide and self-harm. I always knew there was something to my depression that I just wasn't getting. I think I've found it now. I am ready to start my journey as the kind, handsome, and classy young man I am.

And better yet, i'm not ashamed anymore.