A L Ø N E // JOSHLER

Pt. i // Words

I sat completely still, moving only my foot to the beat of a song that didn't really exist. It was one of those quick nervous beats that resonated throughout the day and only seemed to quiet when your eyes shut for those final hours. I was sitting on a leather sofa with scratches marked into the surface. I closely examined every detail of the couch that I sat on and noticed repeated marks that looked like they meant something. Almost like a symbol. I had seen it week after week.

"Joshua, we're ready for you."

I slowly stood up and walked with my head down; I hated this time of the week. A time where I was expected to throw all of my thoughts into someone who knew nothing about me. A time where I was asked countless questions that I didn't know the answer to. I didn't know why my mind was the way it was.

I stood up rigidly, taking a deep breath as my feet planted to the floor. I walked through the door toward the offices and sat down in room three, a room I was all too familiar with.

"Hello, Joshua! How are you?" My therapist said the same thing every week. She always received the same response.

"I'm good."

A flat two syllable sentence was all she would ever hear in response to this dumb question. Not once have I said these words honestly. These words had lost their meaning.

"Have you kept your promise, dear?" She was referring to the stupid piece of notebook paper she made me sign the week before.

"Yes, I'm one week clean." I hated saying these words. They were said too often by me. One week was about as long as I'd go before I began again; keeping promises was not my forte.

My therapist began to tell me how great that was and that she knew I could keep it up. She knew completely that neither of us believed that.

The session went on the same as the last. Nodding to her suggestions, fake smiling, and lying about what great things are going in my life. I took every chance I could get to glance over at the clock on the wall to my left. It slowly drew closer to the end of our session and she walked me out the door.

As I walked into the silent waiting room, I felt a shift in time. It was like I missed something. A moment in time had come and gone and I was completely unaware of it. I must have stood there thinking for a whole minute before my feet moved again. I looked up, but nothing was different in the room. The fake roses sat in the same spot as the week before. The chairs held the same patients they always did, week after week. I looked down again. What was I feeling? Why had something felt so incredibly off?

I carried on walking, and I left the counselor's office. I opened the glass door that parted the school hallway from the offices and slowly moved down the hall.

"Hey-"

I heard a shy voice coming from behind me. I turned around as my eyes focused on the tall, thin boy that had gotten my attention. He had short brown hair that parted down the left side of his head. His long eyelashes fluttered as he blinked, hiding his rich brown eyes. Something about him sent shivers down my spine. I didn't know how to reply to someone so intriguing.