Stories for in the Campfire

1. Foreword

Brian: "Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say."
The Crowd: "Tell us! Tell us both of them! "
Brian: "Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!"
The Crowd: "Yes! We're all individuals!"
Brian: "You're all different!"
The Crowd: "Yes, we ARE all different!"
Man in crowd: "I'm not..."
(scene from 'Life of Brian' - 1979)

I wrote this collection of short stories for the members of Wattpad.com, as an exercise to improve my English and to experience how it feels to write short stories instead of novels.

Some years ago, I started to write in Spanish, mainly to improve my knowledge of that language. It was tough, but when others read my first novel, I got truly excited because of all the success. The large number of errors in spelling and grammar, the complete failure of structure and plot and style, and the lack of knowledge that I managed to transfer to my readers made me famous as 'the laugh of the day'.

My Spanish improved rapidly, but I felt I needed to practice on writing itself. I started to write in Dutch, my native language. The success story continued: I published and my story was read...  My only reader atwattpad.com commented that I was 'the funniest story-writer in Dutch literaryhistory', so the small fortune I paid him for that favour was well spent. Hewas wrong, of course, because I'm a novel-writer and not a story-writer, but the success was there and... I started to like writing, not because of what others thought about it, but just the process of translating ideas into words, of the challenge to transmit information and emotions from writer to reader.

I felt it was time to make the next step in my writing career. I wanted to leap over the horizon. I wanted to go global. I wanted to learn how to write in English. My first idea was to write a bestseller, but... I was not sure if that would be a bestseller, a best-seller or a best seller because writing in English is far more complicated when you have to do it yourself. I decided to start small: with short stories. The result of that decision (and of the whole week of suffering I went through to produce all this nonsense) can be found here.

In ancient Greek literature, there were only two genres: comedy and tragedy. The difference lies in the ending. In comedy, the main character gets what he wants. In tragedy, the main character gets what he deserves. This bundle is a mix of tragedy and comedy. The tragedies are attempts to share my experiences as a writer with others at Wattpad.com, to give them what they deserve: tips and tricks about writing, to help the writers write better stories so the readers will enjoy it more when they read them. The comedies (each a different genre: try everything is the best way to find out what you like) are the result of a writer who followed those tips and tricks, probably leading to the conclusion: "Don't try this at home, kids."

I have one request to you, the reader. I like to help people. If you follow the clubs at Wattpad.com, you'll notice lots of fellow-wannabe-writers who suffer problems like writer's block or how to plan a story. It would be very easy for me to help them by referring to a story from this bundle, but... I don't have the rights. Big Brother rules Wattpad.com and has declared that nobody is allowed to send the message 'Look at ME! I'm FABULOUS!'. I agree with that rule, but I do hope that you want to help me to help those writers, by referring to this book with solutions. You'll become popular and will get followers in return, and most of all: being part of a community means that you have to communicate and help each other.

Also, will I make this bundle available at Smashwords.com, for copy and paste, for readers who don't know Wattpad.com yet. The cover text will consist of comments this book gets at Wattpad.com, so... if you comment, I will promote you to readers all over the world.

My writing is limited to only one style: humour. When you write humour, you can get away with everything. Humour is the point where a hopeless situation turns even worse, so the only thing you can do is... laugh about it. Like the lieutenant of the platoon who asks the soldier in front of the firing squad if he has any last words to say. The soldier answers: "The only thing I want to say is that you are by far the most incompetent officer of the whole army, not fit to lead a platoon, not fit to make the right decisions, not even fit to tie your own shoelaces, that's why you wear boots without laces." The officer is furious after all these insults, and the soldier asks: "And what are you going to do about it? Fire me?"

Humour is very personal. Americans like to be perfect, so in sitcoms, actors make fun of the shortcomings of others. British humour is more ironic, making fun of yourself. Dutch humour is sarcastic, hard, brutal, and some consider it to cross lines of good behaviour, like the doctor who tells his patient: "The bad news is that you have a terrible disease and only a few weeks left to live. The good news is that you also have Alzheimer, so tomorrow you've forgotten everything." Spanish humour is generous. Spanish people already start to laugh when you say: "I heard a good joke..." Spanish people don't worry much. They just like to laugh and be happy. You should take life and humour not so serious.

I had fun writing these stories, and I hope that they make you laugh too. If you're not able to laugh at yourself, others will laugh at you.