Random One-Shots

Pigs Can Fly, I Guess

"Bastion on the left!"

"I see that! He just murdered me!"

"Well I didn't know that!"

"Guys, calm down. It's a game."

"Shut up, Wade!"

Overwatch would be the death of Jack. He'd been playing it with his friends--Mark, Wade, Bob, and Molly--for a few hours now, and the round he was currently in wasn't going so well, as a fricking Bastion player kept killing him. Stupid Bastion. Mark had only been trying to help him by telling him about the camper, but instead had received Jack's backlash because he had already seen him.

Jack had thought that he'd be able to just sit back and relax as he ran around as his favorite screwball Junkrat, but in the end, he'd wound up having to change into Naruto himself--Genji--in order to try and take the Bastion down.

Needless to say, it wasn't working.

For some reason, every time he tried deflecting the bullshit robot's bullets back into his own face, the thing would just run away--an actual smart Bastion player, would you look at that--and now his friends--namely Mark--were pissing on him for being shitty.

"It's not my fault Bastion's a little shit!" he screeched, jumping back in his seat as he was killed yet again. "Suck on all twelve of my nipples, Bastion! You little fart!"

"Woah, woah, woah, Jack," Bob said, laughing confusedly, "since when did you have twelve nipples?" There was a pause as Wade yelled. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

"Yeah, is there?" Mark pressed on. He was having just as much luck as Jack was with the Bastion, but you didn't see him complaining.

"Yes! This Bastion made me grow ten more nipples, alright?" Jack yelled as he climbed up a wall, desperately trying to get close enough to the robot so he could murk his ass with his dash. He shrieked as the Bastion turned towards him, panicking and holding down the 'E' key on his keyboard (or whatever the hell he uses for the deflect). He wound up somehow killing the Bastion, which caused him to throw his arms up and screech again, this time in victory. "Oh yeah, I got him!" Jack pressed his middle finger to his monitor, scrunching his face up. "Suck on every last inch of my pubic hair, you dick!"

"Yay!" Everyone cheered on the other side of the screen (cries), and he could imagine them throwing their arms up as well. Wade yelled, "He's finally down!"

"Hell yeah, he is!" Jack shouted. "But no thanks to you guys!"

"Hey! I helped!" Molly protested, floating up to Jack--she was playing Zenyatta, of course--as they stood on the objective together. She made the robot wave towards him, which caused the man to laugh and wave back.

"Hello dere, Mastah!" he said in a very bad Japanese accent, all the while trying to sound any semblance of funny. He turned as an Ana--Mark--walked up to him as well, waving. "Hello, Granneh!"

"Hello, child," Mark mumbled in the voice of an old woman (well, at least he tried to sound like an old woman). "My ninja child, take this."

Jack was suddenly hit with a grenade and his screen became slightly tinted with yellow on the edges, which caused him to yell, "I didn't need that, you derp! Now it's wasted." He screamed as he started getting hit from behind, frantically swinging his mouse around to turn. "There's a Winston behind me and I'm not prepared!"

"Bad monkey!" Mark yelled. They all chose to ignore Wade's response of, "He's actually an ape," running around and shooting as the enemy team invaded the objective again.