Diary Of An Anxious Girl

16th Birthday

My mind wanders on the subway my Grandma next to me sitting in a relaxed state not saying a word. My eyes looked out the window at the walls wooshing past us and my mind was going wild thinking of how many people were on the subway and how even my eyes wander and that means that on one point on the ride that night almost everyone who was around me had stared at me for even a tiny second and with that thought I sunk into my hard plastic seat a little more. we walked off the subway in to the crowded streets and my mind said that there was too many people so I walked with my hand twirling the ring on my right hand so I knew my body was still there. this all may sound ridiculous to a regular person but I am just an anxious girl. a girl who can't stand being in a tight space with a lot of people a girl who would rather sit in her room and do nothing because people are too much there too loud and I jump easily. Its not that easy having anxiety it's one of the hardest things in my life that I have to control, the fact that anything could go bad in a matter of minutes scares me to death and that I really want to be outgoing and go to parties but everytime i'm invited to one I lowly say "no thank you" and or explain that i'm busy .But in actuality i'm sitting watching a new show every night because that's all I do is binge watch shows because I can't find the motivation or the need to pull myself out bed to interact with people because people are scary and you never know the real intentions of their minds. after the subway my mother and the rest of my family force me onto a tight crowded elevator with a ton of people I continued to twirl the ring to distract myself from the dead silence lingering in the air a guy causally asks if anyone had any jokes and the people in the elevator laughs I breathe a laugh but I contain myself making sure I don't stand out too much . we finally make it to the car and we drop off my sister and her boyfriend at their house and my grandma sat lazily on the seat underneath her and my mom concentrated on the road in front of the car while I sat in the passenger seat my music playing through the speakers and my eyes wandering on the headlights of other cars passing by. and with the thought of the passing lights I remember that I am a lone body most of my childhood years I don't remember but someone else does and that there are millions of others in the world with different stories that I don't know and intentions that aren't mine that made me scratch at my left hand and my breathing picked up to the point where it felt as if I was suffocating in my own lungs like I was pushing my own head under the water. the next few songs played but my head drowned them out the feeling of drowning filled my ears, and then the car pulled up my houses drive way and I jumped out said my goodbyes and a slight goodnight to my family I slowly climbed the stairs the ringing in my ears still there and turn off the lights let out a deep breathe and slide down the door I tangle my hands in my hair and tears slid down my face my breathing finally settling the ringing from my ears finally faded and the feeling of drowning finally drained I stripped of my clothing and got in to a large t- shirt , and threw myself inside the fluffiness of my comforter. my head hit the pillow but I couldn't fall asleep the fact that my house is under protected sure we have a lock but the back door doesn't someone could easily break in, what if they already did, what if I fall asleep and In my sleep someone comes in and kills me too many what if's spun in my head making it nearly impossible for my head to sleep. so I resorted to my routine I turn on the sound of rain and I take 2 deep breathes then I took steady breathes I kept that going until I fell asleep hoping that none of my what if's came true.