Can You Hear Me?

Untitled Part

I open my eyes slowly. Ugh, not again. I look around to see where I am this time. It's dark out besides the one street lamp two house over. I can hear the crickets chirping throughout the humid air and the buzzing of insects flying all around. There is a window directly in front of me. There aren't any lights on; its just pitch black.

Suddenly there is a car light that pulls up to the front of the house and shuts off. A young girl gets out, slamming the door behind her. I try to walk around to the front of the house to see the girl but my legs aren't moving. I'm stuck where I am standing.

I look back into the window as I see a quick light appear. The door opens as the girl comes running in crying. She shuts the door behind her not even bothering to turn the light on. I can hear she throws herself onto her bed, screaming into her pillows.

I feel this sudden pain in my chest as if someone has reached in there and grabbed my heart, squeezing it. Ouch! Then there suddenly is another slimmer of light in the room. An older woman peaks in her head, "Are you okay? What's wrong?" She asks the girl with a concern voice.

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it."

Unable to see what is going on through the darkness I can suddenly hear a change in the woman's voice turn into a sharp tone, "Why don't you ever want to talk about it? I try to be here for you like you wanted but you always push me away. It's like walking on eggshells around you."

"Because, Mom, when I'm upset like this I don't want to talk about it," clearly frustrated. Then with a heart-felt tone she begs, "What I want is for you to hug me, to love on me, to just sit here with me while I cry it out. Until I am ready to talk about it."

"I give up. Plus, I cant. I have food cooking in the kitchen." The mom sighed as she turned around walking out of the room leaving the girl alone in the dark. There was a silence in the room that was almost deafening.

I could feel my heart being squeezed even harder. This pain was almost unbearable. Suddenly I heard the cries again coming from the room, or was it my head? Either way they were causing my chest to get tighter and tighter. I slowly started to sink into a wet, muddy pit that I was standing in. I started banging on the window for the girl to come and help me. I screamed louder and louder with each breath. Still I wasn't heard over the cries. I soon became lost into oblivion.

I open my eyes slowly; looking around I see that I am in the middle of a forest. I am lost, unable to find where I am going. Suddenly, I hear a voice! The voice is coming from the sky? I whip around, not a soul in sight. I shout into the vast air, what is going on? Who is that?

The voice begins to speak, "Have you tried medicine? You can't just stop taking them when you feel like. You have to keep taking it for months and months before it actually starts working." How do you know?! I yell, frustrated at whomever that is that's speaking. "Also, you should talk to someone about your... issues. A professional." I do! They all just look at me like I'm crazy. I become overwhelmed with sadness. They can't hear me; that or they never listen.

I run through the forest, hoping I will see someone. Anyone. I just want out of there! But there is no one. I can still hear the voice from above. "Plus, what have you got to be sad about? There is someone worst off than you are. Think about the kids in Africa? They barely have shelter and food. You have it made. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and just be happy more." I get so infuriated that I jump and scream. You don't know what it is like! Do you not realize how hard I try?! I go to hit the nearest tree to let out my frustration. As soon as I do something falls, hitting me on the head and knocking me out.

Ugh. I slowly started to come to again. There is a ferocious pounding in my head. I go to take a breath of air from this exhaustion that is my new life but as I do I am unable to breathe. A panic feeling engulfs me. I am swimming under water. There are many people around me but they don't seem to be struggling as I do. Its strange, I'm outside surrounded by buildings but, its like the world has been swallowed by the ocean. I swim up hoping there will be fresh air.

As I swim along one building I soon can hear my voice coming from one of the top windows. I swim over. Is that me?... Its her! Its the girl. There is no light in her eyes. They are lost and sad. I realize that this girl is me. I am her.

She is talking on the phone but, I can hear the other end of the conversation. "What are you thinking right now?"

She sounds so monotone and with no effort or hope she answers, "I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to live. There is no point. No point to me being alive."

What are you talking about? You have so much to live for! She stares right past me. Not moving a single muscle. I wish she would just listen to me. Then the lady on the other end of the phone, after quite the pause, simply answers, "We'll meet tomorrow at 9:00A.M. like scheduled. Will I see you then?" Ah! Suddenly there is a sharp pain in my chest. I wish I had the power to just rip out my heart, this hurts so much!

"Sure." She replies. I know that I don't mean it. That she doesn't mean it.

"I called because I was worried about you... Ill see you tomorrow then."

I can no longer hold my breath under the water. I can feel myself slip away from lack of oxygen. Sinking back down, past the ground, everything becomes dark once again. Though feeling like this is it I know that I will soon be back. This is getting really tedious.

Today is different. Today is nightmarish. I look around to find myself afraid of what I may find. There. I start screaming, Stop! Don't do it! Amanda, STOP! Its useless. She can never hear me. I have no choice but to sit back and watch what is about to happen before my eyes.

Today is different. There is no pain that I feel. Its numbness, emptiness. I sit in the corner as I watch myself stir up the concoction I created within the last days. It's like she is already gone. A tear rolls down my cheek but, I feel no remorse.

With every swallow it gets harder and harder to watch. I go lay down, hoping the emptiness will soon vanish. Slowly, my eyes get heavier. I stare at a bear across the room. My granny's bear, one of the last things my mom has from her. I think to myself, how nice would it be to be a mother? To love someone unconditionally. If that really is a thing: unconditional love. Rhian Elizabeth, what a beautiful name for a little girl.

With Rhian as my last thought, I drift away into oblivion once again, hoping this is it. No more sleepless nights. No more screaming into my pillows out of anger. No more walking around in a world full of happy people. No more faking smiles so it's convenient for others. No more tears. No more pain. Nothing at all.