Star Dust (A Paladin Adventure)

The fallout is nuclear

"What are you thinking?" Bucky said after awhile.

"Various revenge scenarios," I said, drooping. "I don't see how they'd really help, though." We just sat there. Claws clicked on the wooden floor and I got up automatically for the bag of treats as they lined up. Bucky smiled.

"They've got you pretty well trained," he observed.

I would have smiled, but it was too much work. "What happened with you and Natasha?" I asked instead. Let somebody else be on the hot seat.

He poured some water. "Well, this whole mess, basically. You know Natasha, she's very goal oriented. She usually considers emotions as something to be manipulated. Doesn't take time to understand the feelings very often unless you hit her over the head with them. I had to ask her how she'd feel if Clint did that to her. She thought you should be grateful that the procedure worked and Steve was back. She doesn't really do guilt, which usually I understand. There's no point in dwelling on what you can't change, but I knew it wasn't good while we were doing it. I don't compartmentalize anymore. I want to face everything. But being able to separate things into boxes helps keep her together.  Don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful Steve's back again, but the way we did it was wrong. She's an original Avenger, and she's fiercely devoted to the team. I visit Loki a lot, I know you send him new movies and books  and letters. He's grateful, but he misses you. She got mad about that, saying that I  wasn't there for New York and I should leave him to rot, but I know what it's like to be in solitary. She hasn't forgiven him for what he did to Barton. But sometimes I wonder if that stone thing wasn't influencing him as well." He shrugged.  "When you left, Stark wanted me to track you down, but I wouldn't. Steve and I had a big argument about it. Tony finally came up with a PowerPoint presentation to show him what happened after his memory fuzzed out. I went through his boxes with him, he found his sketchbooks, his cell phone, all the cards of videos and pictures he'd taken of the parties and everyday and you. He watched the wedding ceremony again, looked at your album, the pictures of the honeymoon, spent some time in the visitors center. There was a government inquiry about... the situation. Tony didn't have to turn over anything because the doctors didn't create a new Super Soldier serum, they just worked on what was already there. Steve's memory started to come back. It's not perfect, there are still come gaps, but it's better than mine."

"I doubt very much if they brainwashed and tortured him," I said dryly. "Could account for the difference." The corner of his mouth turned up. "With your hair longer like that, you remind me of Aragon from the Lord of the Rings movies," I said absently. He huffed a laugh.

"So Natasha and I just...trailed away. Turns out that shared experiences only take you so far." He sat there, playing with the water glass.

"I can't go back, Bucky," I said steadily. "I'm still just barely holding on as it is."

He nodded, his eyes still on the water glass. "Do you miss it?"

"Honestly, it feels like it happened to somebody else, mostly," I said. "Then there are times when I know it happened to me. When that happens I can't really move for awhile. It's hard because I'm driven by facts. They're my anchor. I don't do well when it's just emotions. I wonder if I'm overreacting, but I can't help how I feel. And the fact is that there was a conspiracy to keep me from knowledge that I both needed and deserved. I  remember how it felt to get a new challenge and how good it felt to do the work and find solutions or a way to do something. I can't imagine doing that now. I don't have the energy. I used to think I was part of a team. I don't feel like my feelings of belonging, of...helping, or whatever, went both ways." The tic started up in my eyelid again and I pressed to still it. "It's just dismaying to hear the emotional investment I had in the whole thing wasn't reciprocated. Even now, it's just, 'we're in a mess, we need somebody to straighten it out.' Like I'm a dog who can be brought to heel when people snap their fingers. Convenient." I looked over at my dogs, lying on the floor after their treats. "Not my dogs, though. Scotties in particular don't do obedience well. And I know that there were phone calls and emails, but I don't care. That's like sweeping up after a bomb went off. It doesn't address the bomb crater."