Second Nature

Chapter 38

So at twenty years old, Cade had returned to Cool Bay Inn with an infant daughter and a humbled ego. He apologized from the bottom of his heart to Lana for being a terror during his younger years. She had welcomed him back with joyful arms, like the prodigal son, and had fallen in love with the baby at first sight. Cade took up running a dive boat in the winters and working some of his father's old salvage claims in the summers. In his spare time, he helped maintain the inn, and had learned to be a skilled handyman. 

He loved his life on Cool Bay. He loved being Lana's brother and Haven's father. He loved helping with Jimi's dolphin research. He did not find himself falling in love with the women he fell into bed with over the years, but life was good. Lust was good. 

Until Gen. 

He looked out across the bay, squinting against the glare of the gold coin of sun. The orange clouds in the west spread their jibs in the offshore breeze and raced across the horizon. 

In his sadness, Cade wondered if he could make love with a dolphin. Jimi had said that some humans had managed. Was that sick? Was that love? Hell, he'd be a dolphin if Gen could turn him into one. He'd do anything not to lose her. 

But it was the same as with the loss of his parents. He was powerless again. His wishes and the workings of the universe did not jibe. He could thrash around like the angry boy who had smashed his fists into every jeering face, but another private war would not budge the stars, the meshing gears, the gods-whatever the hell it was that ran the show-one inch in his favor.  

He felt trapped in a closed box. The box held the sun in daytime and the moon at night-a very big box, a huge box-but in the end, just a box. How do you get out of the box? How do you feel free? Death? Was that the only release from this box? You just had to grin and hunch inside it, embrace the limits, until the very end? 

Dammit. He was feeling that old, familiar bitterness again, heavy and sickening in his veins, like poison. And, oh yes, here it came; he well-remembered the feeling that oozed through his heart now-that he was not valid, not good enough or important enough for his prayers to be heard, for his wishes to come true. That's how the eleven-year-old Cade had felt when he'd learned that his mother had died. His soul didn't count. 

Oh, to hell with this self-indulgent horseshit. I'm not that hurt little boy any longer. Gen is leaving, and Lana and Haven are saying good-bye to her, too. We're losing the Inn. They need me to be strong, and I can be strong. Yes, I can. I can be a man. 

In that instant, by willpower, his mind made a U-turn. With a deeper courage than he had used to parachute into the sea at night on commando raids, he took a breath and he smiled. Just that much. A full breath and a smile. No grandiose philosophy or answer to the riddle of it all. A few facial muscles curling his lips upward in the natural gesture of happiness. It was unreasonable to act happy at a time like this. But nobody claimed happiness was reasonable. It was a genuine smile, and he found to his relief that he felt real joy along with his sorrow. And yes, the box did have an outlet-the portal was his own heart. His smile broadened at the insight. 

Haven's little shoulders shook with quiet sobs. Jimi looked miserable; the poor guy had never gotten the chance to ask Gen his questions about dolphin language and society.  

But when Cade glanced at Lana, she was smiling, too, tears streaming down her face. Their eyes met and he suddenly realized that she had been worrying about him. In the midst of her own crisis, losing the inn, saying farewell to the person who had restored her legs, Lana had been concerned about how he was going to take it. Now she was smiling gratefully because she saw that he was going to make it through with his courage intact, and not retreat into hating the world. Seeing how much Lana loved him sent the tears flooding from his eyes, while his smile deepened.