Second Nature

Chapter 34

34 

A thick carpet of pine needles softened the sun-mottled path through the woods. Gen strolled along, her hands moving about her touching, touching. She collected gene codes from a blackberry bush, a clump of poison ivy, a strangler fig, a rhinoceros beetle, a raven's feather, and the decomposing pelt of a fox. But while her compulsion to gather essences was as strong as ever, the physical pleasure the habit produced no longer felt gratifying. 

She felt that the Abundance had betrayed her, or maybe her own body had become her enemy. Or both. Or were they now one and the same? Had her body and the sentient swarm within it always been identical? Whatever the case, she simply did not know who she was. 

It was an irony: Now that she had found a human family that cared for her, she had lost touch with herself, which made her feel more alone than ever. She pictured the glass walls of the isolation chamber trapping her still, like a butterfly in a killing jar.  

Lana walked beside her, meeting her eyes at times, but not talking. Gen wanted to say something, anything, to pry the weight off her chest, but her feelings had sunk to a depth where words had trouble surfacing. She could only let the sanctuary of the woods speak for her sadness, and hope that Lana understood. 

Newpod turned to look back toward the inn and gave a happy bark. The panting dog actually seemed to be smiling. Cade was jogging easily to catch up with them. 

Gen glanced around as if to find a place to hide. I can't deal with him, now. He hates me. Lana took her hand and gently squeezed. "It's okay," she said in a quiet voice. "I know Cade like a book, and it's a good read, I promise you. It'll be all right. My guess is, he's coming to apologize to you." 

Gen swallowed. Her heart ached, and she didn't want to launch into another crying jag. She had a lot to hold in. Now she was glad the invisible sandbags on her breastbone were so heavy, crushing her feelings inside her, keeping the sea dammed up.  

Cade arrived and tussled the retriever's shaggy ears. "Good dog!" Newpod's tail thumped the ground. 

Cade looked up at Gen. "Hi." He smiled sheepishly. "I came to find you. Is it okay if we talk a bit? There are some things I need to say." 

"I'm going to let you two have some privacy," Lana said, and started back toward the house.  

Wait, don't leave me with him! He's dangerous. He can tear my heart in two. 

"Come on, boy, I can run now!" Lana said. "Let's race!" She tore off in a sprint. Her dark legs stretched out in long strides speeding up the grassy hill toward the inn. Gen and Cade watched the golden-blonde and chestnut brown racers, one barking, the other laughing, both of them delighting in their new limbs of power. 

Cade swallowed. "Gen, I can't tell you..." his voice caught with emotion. "How grateful I am for what you've done." 

"Don't thank me. I wasn't in control of any of it. I'm not in control." 

Cade tried to meet her eyes, but she turned to the chaotic pattern the pine needles made at her feet. 

"Look, I've been a jerk," Cade said. "I want you to know I'm sorry for the way I've acted toward you." 

She shook her head hard at the pine needles. "It's not your fault. It's totally understandable. You don't have to..." Now the pine needles were swimming in a clear, salty broth. "It was terrifying, the changes...it was...I'm terrifying. I'm a monster. I scare you." The first teardrops spattered the pine needles. 

"No-I mean, yeah, I got scared. But you're not terrifying. You...you're wonderful. You're the most amazing person, the most amazing event that's ever happened in my life." 

She wouldn't look up at him. The sandbags on her chest were starting to shift from the pressure of the floodtide pushing against them. She tightened her breathing to squeeze back the surge of emotion.  

"Gen." His warm hand touched her bare shoulder. She shivered. "Gen." His fingers very gently lifted her chin until her eyes met his dark, serious gaze. "Let me tell you a story about when I was a boy." He took her hands in his.  

"From the time I was seven, my father started taking me with him in the summers, out on the bay." His voice was husky with emotion. "I never loved anything so much as working alongside my dad, on the oyster beds, or scalloping, fishing, salvaging." He sighed. "Later, when he drowned, I didn't go out for weeks. I still loved the sea, but I couldn't seem to make myself go out in the boat and...then..." 

He paused, earnest eyes drinking her in from an emerald depth. "Good God, you're lovely, Gen. You're like a painting in a children's book. I can't bear to see you sad and afraid. I would fight the armies of the world to keep you safe. You're family now. Do you hear? Family. I would die for you." 

The levee of her heart burst and the sea gushed through and the sandbags flew away to the sky like doves. She flung herself into Cade's arms so hard she nearly bounced off his chest. She wept and nuzzled her face against the cotton of his T-shirt, against the sweet warmth of his lion's heart. 

He laughed. "Hey, you're supposed to get all mushy after you hear the end of my story." He combed his fingers through her wavy hair, kissed the top of her head. "Haven't you seen the way they do it in the movies? I never even got to the point." 

She tilted back her head and looked in his eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Tell me." 

He laughed again. "Well...I finally had to admit I was scared of going out on the water. So Lana asked me, she said, 'Which is stronger, your love for the sea, or your fear of it?' That same day, I made myself get in my dad's boat and cruise out past the horizon, you know-face my fear, all that. But it worked. Sounds corny, but it worked. 

"Anyway, I'd be a liar if I said you didn't shake me up last night. I know you're scared, too. But you're no monster. Hear me?" He squeezed her more tightly to him. Her breath poofed out; she would never have guessed getting crushed could feel so delicious. "You're like the sea, Gen-full of hidden power and bottomless beauty." 

"Oh, Cade." She sniffled. You're a poet. And, oh, don't I know it.  

"My love for you is stronger than my fear, that's the point. And I want you to know that I'm here-we all are here-to stand by you." 

His body heat and fragrance, densely muscled contours...oh, it was starting to feel too good. Her heart pounded; she heard blood glub-glubbing in her ears, felt it pulsing between her thighs.  

She pushed back from his chest. "I can't get too close to you." She gulped. "It's the pleasure. That's what triggered it last night. I start to feel good all over and then...I lose control." 

He struggled to hide his own yearning. "We don't have to...you know. We can be friends." But his eyes betrayed his words, caressing her body with his gaze. 

"Cade, I'm not sure I can even be around you. Just standing next to you..." She sighed. "You make me feel good all over." 

"Thanks." He smiled tenderly. "I feel the same about you." 

"Only you're not about to lose hold on your human form, turn into a zoo, catch the woods on fire." 

He nodded, glanced around at the loblolly pines. "All right." He smiled bravely and took a deep breath. "We'll be like brother and sister." His smile didn't conceal his disappointment. 

His eyes were too loving and hungry to gaze into. She looked down, remembering a Japanese saying that fit her own longing: Yamai koko ni iru-The disease lies in a part too innermost to remedy. 

"It's gonna be all right," he said. "Let's get back to the Inn. Haven is dying to plait your hair into corn rows, I told her to ask you." 

"I'd love that."  

He reached for her hand. "Is it okay to hold hands?" 

She snuffled. "Let's try."  

Hand in hand, they headed up Stanton Hill to the Victorian mansion perched on its crest like a giant hope chest.