My feet tapped the floor nervously, my fingernails pressed into my palm leaving small semicircular bruises. My heart thumped out loud and fast in my ear. My lungs tightened and I felt ever so dizzy. I could hardly hear a thing, it was if I was underwater.
"I'm so sorry Simon. I just have to focus on my own life now and you have the boys and YouTube... I will never stop loving you. But we are too different. I'm sorry..."
I watched in silence as the girl I had fallen in love with turned her back on me. On us. She walked gracefully down the crowded market street, her hips swaying gently and her hair flowing in the slight Autumn breeze. How could I lose something so perfect.
**************************************************************************
I turned the key and pushed open the oh so familiar door. I closed the door quietly and tiptoed into the kitchen. I dropped my SDMN backpack to the floor and my keys and wallet on top of the microwave. I heaved my arm up to the drinks cupboard and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. I slumped down onto a stool and opened the bottle, taking a long hard swig then gulping down the acidic drink. I felt it slide down my throat leaving a bittersweet burn. I hung my head low and let the first tears fall. I gave in to the pain. And took another drink. And another. And another...
"Si?" I heard a croaky voice call out. I turned my head to see Josh walk through the doorway with his eyes half closed and his dark hair stuck up at all angles.
"Hey." I whispered avoiding his eyes and looking down at the tiled floor. I heard him shuffle forward and pull out the stool next to me. He slumped into the seat and let out a yawn.
"You can go back to bed. I'm fine." I tried to reassure him but the crack in my voice gave away that I had been crying. He sighed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
"Si you have come back at 5am and started drinking Jack Daniels by yourself in the dark. I'm not stupid, what's happened man?"
I smiled at his words, he made it sound as if I was depressed.
"Holly left me. Apparently we are too different."
Josh held onto my shoulder tighter and hung his head before saying "I'm so sorry I know how much you loved her. It's her loss and honestly I felt like she was holding you back, I know you don't want to hear this but you are better off without her."
I nodded and looked over at Josh to meet his eyes. His face filled with sadness as he saw the tears that streamed down my face. "Come 'ere" he whispered as he pulled me towards him. I lent my head on his shoulder and his arms enclosed around me. In that moment I felt safe and I finally let out the cries that I had been trying so hard to hold back. And with each sob I let out I let my memories with Holly become the past.
Josh kept me close until I had finished crying and sat back up. I wiped my tears and he stood up and put the bottle back in the cupboard before helping me stand up.
"Getting drunk never helps you idiot." He chuckled as I stumbled a little on the first step of the staircase. I laughed but rolled my eyes as I began to ascend the stairs. Josh let his arm drop from round my shoulders and walked behind me still making sure I got to bed ok.
I eventually reached my bedroom door and went to reach out for the handle before turning to see Josh still watching out for me. I let my hand push down on the handle and the door slowly swung open. I mouthed a 'thank you' to Josh to avoid waking any of the others in the house. A smile spread across his face as he mouth back a 'no problem'. I turned and stepped into my room. I closed my door behind me and heard Josh's door open and close just after.
I stripped down and changed into a pair of SDMN joggers before climbing under the cold duvet of my unmade bed. I rolled over and put my phone on charge only to see I had a message from Josh.
From Josh:
"You'll be ok. Always here when you need to talk about anything. Sleep well and don't message her Si"
I let a small smile appear on my face before replying...
To Josh:
"Thanks bro. Night:)"
I went into my contacts and saw Holly's name. I pressed her contact and scrolled down until I saw the delete contact option. I took a deep breath and clicked delete. I felt my lungs tighten trying not to think of the last 2 years of my life where I was madly in love. I set my phone down on my bedside table and stared up at the ceiling. My head was still spinning from the amount of alcohol I had consumed. I watched the shadows dance on the walls , they swirled and stretched out along the floor.
My thoughts consumed my mind as all I could think of was the moment she walked away. The sun was shining through the line of trees which glistened off of the orange leaves that gently fell to the floor one by one. The autumn breeze blew through the market street as the hustle and bustle of people passed by. And there she was. Walking away her mucky sneakers gliding along the floor and her long checkered shawl falling off her one shoulder. Her long curly black hair flowed behind her like a long beautiful veil.
My heart ached but I pushed back the love I had for her. I rolled to the side and saw a mesmerising red Autumn sunrise out of the window. I closed my eyes hoping that the new day would bring me more joy than the one before it.
