it's just that sometimes i look in the mirror and feel like i'm crumpling, because it looks wrong. i look wrong and i feel wrong and it's not something i can define, it's not as easy as picking and choosing something to change, something to fix. it's not a case of eating better or exercising more or getting a different haircut, because I've tried all of that and none of it has worked. it hasn't worked because those things can only be done when there is a goal in mind and i don't have a goal because i can't. and I don't understand, don't even know how to begin understanding, and that's infuriating.
it's my body, my brain. i should understand why none of it feels like it belongs to me.
but It's only sometimes that i feel like something huge is missing from myself, like Ive been hollowed out completely, like something's missing and yet there's too much all at the same time. it's only sometimes that i need a binder and its only sometimes that i can't even bear to look at the sorry state of my own body. it's only sometimes that looking at my reflection makes me want to shatter the mirror. sometimes i'm fine. sometimes i feel the way i'm supposed to feel. sometimes i'm normal.
but sometimes i don't. sometimes i'm not. and its so confusing.
it's like my whole life is crumbling because i'm crumbling and i'm crumbling because my life is crumbling and the cycle goes on and on until all that's left is ashes and the faint shadow of a person who used to be here.
YOU ARE READING
Rants of a non-binary poet
PoetryIn which an overly frustrated genderqueer individual rants about the unfairness of the binary world.
