Jamais Vu

Chapter 23

I've always thought of myself as courageous. Deep down, don't we all? I imagined myself in a thousand daring scenarios, fighting fearlessly for my family. In my mind, I am brave.

But I am weak. As I realize that I won't make it, that my arms won't be there to catch Nessa, I close my eyes. I am too much of a coward to watch the moment her slender body smashes to the marble. I continue to run towards her in blackness, just the way my life will be from this moment onwards.

I can block out the sight, but I can't supress the sound. The noise is sickening, the sound effect of my most horrifying nightmares. A dull thump, snapping and shattering. My brain fills in the blanks. That's her spine cracking. That's her skull splitting open. That's the sound of her breath leaving her splintered ribcage.

The event has only lasted less than two seconds. My lids pop open again; my feet haven't slowed. Nessa's crumpled form is only a few steps away, lying face up, her limbs in impossible angles like a broken marionette. I close the distance between us, falling to my knees as I pull out my phone.

It's a surreal blur. Emergency services. I talk to them, but I have no idea what I'm saying. My voice is calm for Nessa's sake, but inside my soul is shrieking in unholy agony, willing all of this to be a dream.

Now I know help is coming, I drop the phone and concentrate on my wife. She's still conscious, and I force myself to focus on her face rather than the pool of steadily spreading blood that envelops my knees and fans around her head in a halo. "Hey, Sunshine," I say, my voice steady and light. "What's that old pick up line? Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?"

A smile tugs her lips and tears stream from her hazel eyes, which glow almost gold. She is peaceful, ready. She tries to talk, but she has no breath; a wheezing sound from her chest indicates more wrong than I can bear or believe. "It's okay, Nessa. The ambulance is coming. Everything is going to be alright, I promise."

I know this woman so well. We don't need words. A single raise of her brow and I know what she wants to hear. "The kids are fine. They're as incredible as always. Occy lost his sixth tooth, and Summer's mad, of course, because she's still only lost one. They've been staying with your mom, and everyone in that little town already loves them too much."

Her lips shrug in grief and I rush to say, "They love you so much. I tell them every day that you love them too, Sunshine. And I know Bev knows that you love her, but I'll tell her again, okay?"

I can feel her slipping away, slowing to the point of stillness. I try to be strong, but I fail, my tears falling from my face and mingling with her blood. "I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough, Nessa. I'm so sorry, baby."

It's too much; the weight of my guilt bends my body down over hers and I press my head beside my wife's, my ear close to her lips, close enough to feel her shallow breath.

"I love you," I whisper. They are only words, but I hope she can feel the truth in them, feel that I have loved her with my entire soul, every neuron in my brain, and that I will continue to love her in every universe for as long as the construct we understand as time exists.

"Tell... M-me..." Her words are so soft, I almost miss them.

"Tell you what, Sunshine?" Whatever it is, I will say it.

I raise my head enough to stare into her calm eyes, which crease in frustration. She tries again, even as she struggles to form the syllables. "Tell other... Tell Nessa..."

Sirens. I can hear them somewhere down the driveway, but I know they will be too late. All I can do is hold her and listen.

Nessa has gone slack in my arms now, her eyes closing over. No! "Nessa, Sunshine, tell you what?"