Silence.
That's all there is right now. My breathing and my heart beat are all I can hear, and with my headphones plugged into my laptop, the soft buzzing sound of the aftermath of pausing a video is all I really hear.
I take the headphones out my ears but leave them plugged into the laptop. I look around my room, my heart powerfully thumping in my chest, it's all I can hear and my breathing every now and then, but they're more powerful as I await a certain text message notification. It's a rather nerve racking experience, waiting for a text message, makes seconds feel like years.
Time doesn't exist when waiting for something to happen. I know he's texting me back. I know he is. I can sense it and it's encouraging my heart beat to increase in speed. Like I'm getting into a fast car, and there's no breaks, and it drives after and faster until you need to stop but you're unable to and you can't jump out because you'll die if you jump out a car moving that quickly. You get me? Probably not I don't make sense when I'm in this state.
But looking around my room, I admire the white cieling, and the cream walls; the little lights around my white bed frame; the decorative black tree on the chimney breast in my room, in between two white wardrobes, one either side. People who visit say my house say my room is... girly? But it's just how I want it. I like my decorative tree and my white furniture. I love my blackout curtains and my white laptop. I love my instruments (guitar and ukulele) both coloured white, I don't understand what's so bad about it.
Why aren't I allowed to like white?
When my phone buzzes it feels like years have passed, not seconds. My iPhone buzzes loudly actually and makes a bubbly noise, it doesn't buzz softly like I'd appreciate but rather loudly, and the noise is equally as loud even on the quietest setting, that's why I don't need an alarm sound in the morning, the buzzing is enough to wake me up.
My heart and breathing speeds don't decrease as I see the notification. In fact the fear just rises, I don't know why I'm panicking or whatever but it doesn't matter. The thought of what this message holds in its words are enough to get me to such a state of panic where I could cry if someone offered me vodka and a descent nights sleep. It'll get to you one day.
I use my left thumb and unlock my phone, I could have used my left pointer finger or my right thumb and right pointer finger but left thumb was easiest to get to as that's just how I picked my phone up off my bed.
I take a deep breath and the message reads:
Harry, I know what you think, and it doesn't matter anyway, I can't believe you thought that I would change my mind about everything, I know you're hurt but this isn't fun! It's ridiculous and I need you to understand me, start understanding me as you want me to understand you.
I'm not entirely sure why he said that to me. I can't focus on anything right now. My head is a mess and he isn't respecting that, when I say I need space he says he wants to talk things out. Space is important, without it how am I supposed to think?
I can't do that though, I can't just take things out, I need space, otherwise a panic attack will form with quite the force. Niall has always been the best to me, he's kind hearted and an absolute sweetheart but sometimes he pushes all my buttons and it's never good when he does. The outcome is always the same, he doesn't listen or I get hurt.
