I'm So Sorry

Chapter Forty-Two

            I can't make this choice. There's no way I can do this...I can't do it.

            I need my mom. I need to talk to her. It all boils down to those four words. I need her, and I think I always will. Maybe Patrick can help too.

            'Today we will sell our uniform, live together, live together'

            I knock on their bedroom door, knowing that whatever we all decide together tonight, will impact me for the rest of my life. And I'm okay with that.

Ben

            I close the door to the men's locker room in the back of the 24 Hour Gym. The loud speaker is a bit easier to hear in here, and it crackles above me, talking about something that is too difficult to make out.

            No one is here to work on moves with me, or anything for that matter. Why would someone come to the gym after ten at night to work on wrestling moves? I honestly wouldn't know, since this is the first time I've done this myself. I just wanted to get away, be alone. There's so much to process after tonight. Not just with everyone, and not even just with Jessie. But there are things I need to think about with myself.

            I'm staying here in August. Everyone is going to moving on to bigger and better things. Hell, even Randy has a plan, taking another year at the community college. But me—the one who couldn't get into college this entire time—I'm here because I have to be. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to go backwards. I'm barely graduating as it is, but I don't want to be the failure that I feel like I've always been for the rest of my life. Beth and Dad took so much time to help me, and this is how I'm repaying them?

            I have to go home and tell them about this. I have to admit that I've failed them. I have to face them both and admit defeat. I know Beth will be kind to me, she's been kind to me since she and Dad got married. I know Dad won't be extremely angry, but I'll get that disappointed face he loves to give me when I fuck up.

            I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to think a bit straighter.

            There's got to be something I can do to help myself.

            A song starts playing through the speakers and strangely enough, it plays clearly, as if all the issues it had before were never there to begin with.

            My phone chimes from a text, and a quick glance tells me its Jessie. She's home safe. Thank God.

            I breathe in again.

            I throw off the bathing suit I've been wearing all night and throw on my work out shorts from the duffel bag. I then pull out a water bottle I'd tossed in there hours ago before I left the house. Slamming closed a locker and clicking the lock into place, I head out of the locker room to the track upstairs. I just want to run. I want to run around and try to clear my head some more. I want to see if an answer, some fucking answer will pop into my head.

            I start running and don't stop for a solid minute, finishing the first lap in that time frame. I keep jogging the track, listening to the music in the speaker, listening to my feet pound on the track floor, listening to my heart pounding in my ears.

            I stop after four laps and look in the long, wall length mirror. The music has gotten louder and I can hear it over my heavy breathing.

            'We played hide and seek in waterfalls, we were younger, we were younger.'

             When I get home, I'm going to look up summer courses at the community college. I'll talk to Dad and Beth in the morning about all of this, get it straight with them, make sure they're okay with this. I'll get some credits, apply again to colleges, and then go for another scholarship. I have a plan. And that's something I didn't have for the last year.