Empty Gold » Chris Evans [1]

THIRTY TWO ; GROUPCHAT

QUEENS AND ASSHATS

Witch Bitch
I have a question, guys.

Bird Suit
We have answers.

Queen Widow
Yes, babe?

Man of Iron
Of course we have answers.

Witch Bitch
Am I fat?
Like, I feel like I am.
I don't know.

Captain
I open my phone to this,
and my answer is
hELL NO.

Sergeant Barnes
I'm gonna kill the bitch.
She's getting under your skin.

Witch Bitch
It was just a thought.

Captain
I'm questioning why I ever dated that girl.

Sergeant Barnes
I'm questioning why you never
dated Alia.

Bird Suit
Yet.

Sergeant Barnes
Right. Yet.

Bird Suit
Alia would've been so much better
than Anna.

Sergeant Barnes
But I mean, we all know the story
of Alia and Chris. If they hadn't dated,
they wouldn't have met.

Witch Bitch
We knew each other before he started
throwing shit at my window??

Bird Suit
What?
I thought you guys met that night?

Witch Bitch
Well.
Someone hasn't heard the full story.

Captain
Oh god.
I was such a dick in high-school

Witch Bitch
Specifically to me and my friends.

Captain
I still feel bad about it,
and been almost eighteen years.

Witch Bitch
God.
Stop making me feel old.

Sergeant Barnes
WAIT.
Are you saying that Chris and
his friends in his school fucked with
you and your friends?
Chris, I expect you to meet me tonight
at eight sharp. We're gonna throw hands.
Square up, dickface.

Captain
I accept that,
but no fighting.

Witch Bitch
Don't hurt his pretty face, Boobcannon.
How about you T'Chill, boo?