Still Believe In Magic? (A Buckin Fanfic)

Chapter 15 - Light, Dark

A/N: Yay, I just reached 1k reads and almost 100 votes! Thank you so much to everyone who reads or votes on my story and especially those who always leave nice comments and encourage me to keep going<3
I never actually thought people would like to read this!
Hope you'll enjoy the new chapter!

1 week later

Jonny's POV

We had avoided the subject rather long and there was enough other stuff to sort out anyway. But eventually it had to be time to talk about touring this album. I knew Chris didn't like the subject and I totally understood he had a hard time imagining to play those songs live. But we, and also Chris, also weren't too sure if it would be a good idea to not tour the album at all and if so how we'd continue instead.

Chris always acted like everything was alright but I could tell deep inside part of him still was unhappy and didn't really know how to deal with all the stuff going on in the band or his life in general.
I really wanted to help him but I had no idea how if he didn't let me know what's going on in his head.

I looked at my watch, it was almost 2pm. This afternoon we were set to discuss the promotion of the album with our managers and the promo team. I waited for Chris to arrive back at our cafe table and then we went back to The Bakery in an oppressive silence for obvious reasons.

One hour later we were deep into our discussion about music videos, release dates and concerts.

I looked at Chris in worry when we changed the subject to how our tour for Ghost Stories would turn out or not.
We all knew it would be really hard for Chris.

"Chris, if you think you can't do that you should know it's okay. It won't be easy but we can find other ways to promote the album and convince the management to not go on tour."

"No... No, we won't quit the idea of touring yet, we worked too hard for the album. I'm sure it'll be fine by then. Our fans are expecting us to go on tour again and I know you miss playing live as well."

"We all know you had though times Chris. You don't have to pretend nothing ever happened. We're always here for you."

I tried to be sensitive and take away the pressure on him to do what most people expected us to. It was way more important that he was alright. The problem was Chris was the one putting pressure on himself to pretend everything was like before, back when we had a recorded a colouful Mylo Xyloto and couldn't wait to play huge shows.
I had no idea how I could make Chris understand that it's okay to be a little broken and that he doesn't have to act like those dark times never happened.

For some time I had thought everything was alright because he seemed to be perfectly happy and forget about his problems when we were together. I could tell that I wasn't the only one who felt like that, as long as we were in each others arms the world seemed to be a perfect place and problems never existed. But this couldn't last forever of course, as soon as we were apart we could both feel the harsh reality again - and it was a lot worse for Chris obviously.
I tried my best to fix the part of Chris' soul that remained broken but it could be so hard to get through to him. He didn't hide his feelings the way he used to before but I could tell he still didn't talk about everything with me.

I had kind of hoped some good ideas would emerge our tour discussion today, but we hadn't gotten an inch closer to finding a solution.
It was pretty late already so we decided to finish work for the day.
After the others had left I walked towards Chris who was still looking into his laptop. I gently grabbed his hand and sat down next to him.

"Hey, do you feel like going out for dinner tonight? You know, maybe to get your mind off everything for a while."

I figured it would be a good idea to distract Chris from the rather serious and uncomfortable discussions we had had earlier.

"Sorry Jonny, I came up with this thing earlier... I need to finish working on it."

I was a little disappointed, in my head I had already put together a plan for distracting him from his sorrows.
And those plans wouldn't only have been a pleasure for him.

"Will you still stay at my flat tonight though?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm sorry Jonny, I just really need to finish this."

Chris sounded distracted and not half as full of anticipation as I was.

But I was glad at least this part of today's plans would still work out. Sometimes I got afraid that Chris was terribly overworking himself but then I remembered he had always been like that. Never able to take a break.
So I left him alone to continue working in the studio.

A few hours later I switched off the TV. It was past 11pm already, Chris still hadn't arrived. Part of me had hoped that I could still realize my plan of a little intimate couple time with Chris but I didn't seem to be lucky.

I tried to go to bed but I soon could tell I wouldn't be able to sleep already. So I got up again and picked up my guitar, playing a few of our old songs.
After messing around a little I heard how the door was opened. A few seconds later Chris walked into the gloomy living room. I wondered how he never got tired, most nights he seemed to barely get a few hours of sleep.

"Hi, how was it going? Could you finish it?"

"Not quite. It was alright."

Chris' look told me things hadn't been going exactly the way he had imagined.
I suddenly felt totally awake again and was craving the feeling of his body close to mine. It felt like forever that I had felt his gentle touch even tough it was hardly a day away. Apart from that I couldn't stand seeing Chris sad and stressed out.
I hoped to make him relax a little after all of today's troubles and gently put my hand around his back after we sat down on the sofa.
But instead of moving closer I could feel him wincing a little.
He didn't seem to be in the mood, obviously our discussion about the tour had gotten closer to him than I thought. Or whatever it was that was bothering him at the moment.

I already knew it wouldn't be a good idea to bring up the subject again but I also couldn't leave it like this.

"Chris, I know it's not easy for you to imagine those songs being released or even played live. I understand it. We don't have to do any of that if you don't want to."

"And then what? Leave all our fans hanging and start working on something else? That doesn't work, don't you get it? We have to do that, where should we get the money from if we don't release and tour the album? And apart from that there's no way the label would allow us, everyone would hate us!"

I had no idea why Chris was suddenly so angry. All I wanted to do was make him feel a little better.

"Chris, it's alright. We can find a way. I just don't want you to be hurt."

"Why do you keep saying that? There's no way. I'm just tearing you all down. I don't know how I can continue doing all this."

A few seconds of terribly uncomfortable silence followed. I had no idea what to say. I just wanted to make him feel better, like he wasn't alone with this, but somehow I had fucked it up again.

"I'm sorry, I'm tired. I'll get ready for bed."

Chris tone sounded really cold and I felt like crying. I loved him so much and I couldn't stand it when something wasn't alright between us, I never had. The way he had talked to me broke my heart. And I couldn't keep myself from thinking it was all my mistake.

Silently I walked into my bedroom as well. It was clear that today we would sleep in our separate rooms not in my large bed together like we usually did when he was here.

I wished so bad I wouldn't have said anything. At least when we were close things seemed to be alright but now he didn't want to be close to me anymore. All I wanted was to make it alright again right away but I knew I had to leave Chris his space first.
I put my cover up to my chin and felt how a little hot tear was rolling out of the corner of my eye. There was nothing worse than being in a fight with the person you loved the most and I didn't even have any idea what I had done wrong. I just wanted to be laying in his arms, more than ever.