RANDOMNESSNESS

RANT 1

So...my dad is either high, or drunk af (or both) and that bothers the shIT outta me.  He never stops talking, and says the stupidest stuff.  He got a phone call, and he asked me if she (the person on the phone was a girl) should, quote on quote, "lick his chocolate covered pretzel".  Like, hallo, i'm fuCKING 12!  AND YOUR DAUGHTER NO LESS!  It doesn't help that I'm always under a lot of stress, and I have a minor (not really that minor) haphephobia.  If you didn't know, it's the fear of touching or being touched.  Aaaannnndddd, my dad is a bit of a hands on kinda guy, NOT SEXUALLY, DON'T FREAK OUT.  But yeah...I usually don't rant, I just kinda keep it all in (that being part of the reason I'm so stressed all the GOD DAMMED TIME), unlike some of my friends.  And i know that he has alot of his own problems, i understand.  I just...i just cant do anything to help.  Hell, i cant even help myself.  I jst feel so useless, like i cant do anything right, and i only make things worse.  And i know thats not true, but i cant help but feel like its true most of the time.  My friends will say 'thats not true' or 'im always here to talk to' or something along those lines, but thats the the thing, i cant talk about it.  I just cant, i dont know how to explain, and i don't wanna break down, and I'm...Sorry for wasting your time with my problems.  I really feel bad for talking shit about my dad, but I refuse to cry, and I can't vent verbally to my friends, so this is just easier.  My hand are shaking so badly rn, I can barely even type this...sorry again...