Everlong

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust...

...there'll never be enough vodka to fill my cup.

I stand up. I'd been sitting. Everything seems surreal. I'm in his driveway. He's sitting on his front porch step with a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth. He's writing on a piece of paper on his knee. He picks up his head, takes the cigarette from his lips with his left hand. Still with a pen in his right. He rests the pen, balanced on his knee. He puts his head in his hand, closes his eyes and sighs.

"I have no words for you". I say.

Just days ago, he boarded his flight back to Jersey. Every time he says he's boarding, my heart sinks, whether he's leaving or coming back home. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's my paranoia. It's my lack of trust and the fact that there's so much I don't know. So much I'll never know. So much he won't tell me.

"I know. I'd understand if you'd tell me why. You don't have to, though." he says.

I still have no words. I walk up, past him and lay a firm punch on his house's doorframe. There's a quick crack, and just as fast as the shock goes through my knuckles, he stands up. Grabs me and pushes me back. He walks closer, grabs my hand and looks at my knuckles. He drops my hand.

"Get out of my head, you monster, you." escapes my lips as a tear falls down my cheek.

It's raining now. I run down his driveway. He chases.

I have a quick response when I turn around to see him behind me.

"This is what you, my best friend, did to me. My knuckles have been split wide open since you left."

 I push my hair back and point my index finger at him. 

"And you acted like it was nothing. I had to beg to come over to your house, just to see you and have a legitimate conversation with you."

He freezes. He squints and pushes his soaking wet hair back. He takes off his jacket a few moments later and walks up to me, putting it around my shoulder. He steps back away from me again. His right hand goes in his pocket.

"You're someone I never wanted to lay my eyes on again. But you're back. Because I wanted you back. And I fought for you. And despite my urge to lay that punch on your stomach, instead it went on your doorframe. I didn't punch you. Because I love you, as a 'person', and as a best friend." I say.

I turn around and run again. Soon, I can't see anything. I fall to the ground. I'm unconscious.

Oh Killer, kill or be killed.