Finding the Pure Note

Even When I'm This Unloveable Mess

Hunter just stares at me, not offering any suggestion, any inkling of what his feelings are towards me right now. I'm not expecting a smile, but something would be better than the ambiguity. I don't need more ambiguity in my life right now!

I do my best to act indifferent, as if Hunter's stoicism really doesn't bother me, when in fact it fights for the central spot in my brain. It's gonna have to wait. The only constant in my life, the only person who could make things better is Fletcher, and I just need this embargo lifted right bloody now.

As amber lights shine through rain-soaked windows, I drive on, my only anchor right now my goal. The windshield wipers are hypnotic, and I find myself almost drifting off a couple of times. The events of the day are wearing me down, but I can't rest now. I need to see him. No more delays.

My phone buzzes and I quickly glance down. One text from Sean, which I ignore, like the last two, and the others from mum.

'Things aren't ideal, honey, and I don't want us to fight anymore. Drive safely and go straight to bed. Love you.'

I swallow. As soon as I get caught up in traffic, I pick up my phone and my fingers are a blur as I write my response. Then I delete it. Type out the same thing. Shorten that, change it completely and then it becomes simply: I love you.

Those three words. Those broken promises. Three powerful words that could change a life. Three words that should be Fletcher's promise yet refused themselves power. Fletcher was hidden behind a barrier, no way through. So I guess that means I need to climb right the hell over that give him that promise—give him that promise before I lose him forever.

I pull up on Fletcher's street, the same spot on the kerb I've always occupied, honking my horn, telling the idiot to get in and trust me. Trust me! What a fucking joke!

I check my phone again. Sighing heavily, I push send and drop the thing into the center console, falling back into the seat, knackered. Rolling over, I rest my head against the window as my fingers curl around my seatbelt. I watch as rain patters before my eyes and I just try and be swallowed by the soothing aura rain promises the world, a kind of protective spell in the night.

Eventually, I do get out and approach his house, feeling lead in my stomach as I wrap my knuckles against the door. I kind of hope Kat will answer 'cause she's cool enough to not make a big fuss, but of course, it's Carol, in a lavender nightgown, looking just about ready for bed.

"I hope I didn't wake you," I mutter, scratching at the back of my head ashamedly.

"Of course not, sweetie," Carol coos, patting my arm. "Just had my cuppa and about to settle down for Vicar of Dibley before I nip off. Would you like to join me? Get out of this miserable weather, why don't you, Clay?"

I push my fingers into my jean pockets, shivering and hopping on the spot, and I shrug in what I hope is a casual manner. "No thanks, Carol. I just came to see Fletcher, if that's not much of a bother."

A dark look passes over her face and she sucks in air through her teeth before responding. "Sorry, darling. Fletcher's off with his father tonight. Has been the past few days. He'll be back on Friday though."

"Oh." I swear under my breath. Used to be I'd know when Fletcher was at his dad's because those were the days without him. The hollow days.

His dad lived far, far out, almost in the fricking country. Made his commute into the city a slog.

Carol scrunches her lips and then beckons me inside. I try and decline but she shushes away my protests about school and leads me into the kitchen where she puts the kettle on. I glance around, peeking into the living room where I see the TV's flashing light and a familiar pink blanket with elephants on it in a heap on the sofa, the comfortable spot Carol morphed with most nights. Also, that blanket was Carol's alone, and she didn't give a flip who knew it.