retrograde

1 0 : a c c e p t a n c e

"I miss you."

Three words. Three words was all it took for the memories to come flooding back. For the realization that she was gone. That she would never again walk in through the front door because she was really, truly gone.

The three words felt foreign in my mouth. I had never said them much. I regret that now. Maybe if I'd said them more often, I wouldn't be here. Maybe I would be at home, drinking bitter coffee in front of the fireplace with her and laughing along to ridiculous jokes. Maybe I would've learned to love her, even if it was only a little bit.

But that's not what is happening. Because it was never an option. Some people are born destined to be happy, famous, loved. Others aren't so lucky. She wasn't so lucky. I didn't love her. I was distant in our relationship. The focus was mostly on the unimportant things, things that led to arguments that led to wasting time and blaming her horrible health on stress. I suppose that's part of what killed her too, though. Loneliness is a dangerous weapon. And I wielded it with no restraint at a person with no shield.

Is it all my fault? No. I don't think so. Not anymore. I don't want to blame myself for this any longer. Because in the end, she was up happy. She had learned to be grateful even when there's nothing to be grateful for. Her final breath was the happiest she had ever been.

And I was alone.

But I'm okay with that now.

++++++++

Today I went back to the cemetery. It always takes a lot out of me to see her headstone. Even to be in the graveyard. I had to take the long walk around just to gather my wits enough to face it. Normally, I'd talk to "her" and comfort myself by pretending she was on a hike around Europe and forgot her phone. It was something different every time, but it worked. For a while, at least.

Today I went back to the cemetery. I didn't talk to her the same way I used to. I talked to her like she was really gone. And for the first time in a long time, I felt good while visiting her grave. I spent hours there. Things from what I had for lunch earlier to how Ashley's kid was holding up. I finally felt like this would be a goodbye. I finally felt like I could let go.

I looked at her grave and thought;

If I loved her, what would've happened?

And in that moment, the universe became clearer.

Because I didn't care anymore. She was gone and no force on or off this earth could've changed that. I wasn't too late, I couldn't have done anything in the first place. No one could. And I had finally come to terms with that. So, I took a deep breath, smiled, and said one word to her for the last time.

"Goodbye."