The Hierarchy Within

A hop, skip and another new friend

Change is always good - I am a big believer that if things remain the same all the time, you lose all the flamboyance of the world and fall into the cracks of society. To contradict myself, I also think that having everything change all the time is bad for the soul - how can you have a grasp and feel like there is a net to fall back on when you are unsure of everything?

Truthfully, change terrifies me more than blank pages and empty journal. Change means allowing your walls to be broken down without knowing if you can build them up again. No vendetta against change, but I prefer for things to stay mostly the same. Unfortunately for over two years, nothing has stayed the same ...

Only a grade 5, everything I knew in terms of friendships and life was changing. Family structures were changing and I was slowly losing connection with the guys - the nerds I lived with under that huge tree ... I was then 11 and just starting grade 6 and more changes were rocking the waters a little too much. I'd just learnt about my weak knees - that I could never play sport the same way again. I got accepted by the ballet dancers for some reason, not because I fit in but because one of their own wasn't there. At least it was something ... finally I was sitting with girls that held more than books and prose. I was ever so slowly climbing the hierarchy.

Unfortunately I drifted quickly, the old girl came back and that was the end of it. Scouring around looking for scraps of friendship and some form of understanding, some girls took me under their wing and again I shifted up in the hierarchy. For a while, it was as if the nerd part of me was forgotten, and I was part of an elite group - there were no weird looks or sympathetic glances but instead smiles and you'd be surprised how that can not just raise your head, but your heart. Again and again though, I drifted. They simply weren't interested and I had nothing in common. I had no say in discussions about boyfriends and parties (I'd never had a boyfriend and was not allowed to party) so again I was on my own.

Netball season not only brought new heights (I've always been a bit of a bean pole) but new power and friends. At the beginning of every season, I buy myself a new ball for better grip. This caught the eye of those at the very top of the pyramid - and they welcomed me with open arms. Every day I brought my ball and we played solley ball on the courts (a combination of tennis and volley ball) and finally I was given some power. I could decide who could play or not, or what the rules were or what the teams were, and nobody questioned it at all. When I look back on those few months, I want to gorge out my eyes at how hungry I was for that power. I let the system corrupt me and I reviled in the fact that my word finally held some weight.

Grade 7, I isolated myself. Not that it was a huge surprise, contact between myself and everyone else had faded. Slowly I drowned myself in words and stories, retreating further and further into the library. That was my safe house - I sat behind the counter the entire year and never went without a book in my hand. Soon, my only friends were the ones I could only talk to through those A5 pages. No one asked me and I didn't try and that's how things were - I faded into the background of that library and basically stayed that way until ...

A new girl arrived at the school and at first, I couldn't stand her. She came into the library every single day and called me to come and eat lunch with her. I refused every time but her unwavering persistence tired me out and eventually I did accept her offer and who would have thought we'd become best friends?
Our librarian was the one who gave me a kick in the ass to stop being so stubborn :)

So the moral of the story kids - treat your librarians l with respect because they'll always help you out, and bring you brownies.

....

Oh wait that's just our librarian :)

P.S.

Don't let your own stubborn nature get in the way of a potential friend. I have another great story about ignoring your stubborn nature to find something beautiful (I'm talking about you monkey) but that it for another time :)
Much love <3