Finding Grace: The Guardian Chronicles Book One

Chapter 22. Inner Turmoil*

As she patted the bed where I had been, Evan said, "Come back here. I didn't expect you here, but I like it."

I could barely contain my eagerness to return to Evan's side, but I moved slowly and deliberately, not wanting Evan to realize it. Then when Evan pulled my arm around her, I was unsure of how I would handle the proximity again, with her breathing and awake and talking.

"Am I doing something wrong? We were this way before," she said to me.

I needed to reassure her. It was not her fault that I was so awkward. She was innocent. It was my cursed soul that was all wrong.

"No, you're fine. Give me a moment. Your scent is overpowering. I need to get control of myself." I said, knowing my eyes were burning with the mixed desires I had for her. Evan's blood was no longer the strongest allure for me, as I realized I hoped for much more between us. She must have picked up something from my eyes, and became utterly still. Gingerly, I settled into the bed, and attempted to relax. Once we were still, I found I could tolerate her near me without so much aching in my throat.

"Are you okay? Is this too hard?" she asked very quietly.

"You're fine. While you were asleep, you didn't budge, but when you awoke and moved, everything stirred again, and I wasn't prepared for the rush on my senses. I'll have to be more careful," I replied. Was she making it too hard? No, she made it nearly impossible. But I was willing myself to obey my self-imposed restrictions.

"Did you leave?" Evan asked as she picked at my sleeve under her hand.

"No, I just went and got my change of clothes I keep in my car. You left some impressive stains on my sweater," I said trying to lighten things up. "I keep a change in the car in case I have to get dirty taking care of a criminal vampire." At the curious look in her eye, I continued, wanting her to know what I do. "That is my job. I police the vampire community and keep humans safe on the side."

"What, do they have a vampire jail or something?" she asked with a little laugh.

Wanting Evan to know exactly what she was dealing with I told her bluntly, "Something of the sort, but I generally just take them out. If a vampire is dangerous enough to draw my attention, there is usually no reason to bring them in. Same with human criminals."

"You kill people for a living? How can you do that then be the hero and try to save a boy, and come to my rescue?" she asked incredulously and drew away from me with anger, not fear, in her eyes.

When I told her of my work hunting rogue vampires, I wanted her to realize just what I was capable of, but I also did not want her to judge me. I could not tolerate the indignation in her voice when she asked how I could be involved in such work, and I became angry.

"We aren't people. We are creatures that shouldn't exist. Don't feel any pity for those I exact judgment on." I was appalled that she thought of me as a person. I was only one moment of weakness away from killing her myself. "And no, not technically. I don't kill for a living. It is a calling. I do not kill lightly, I prefer to avoid it if I can. I want you to realize that you are very lucky to be alive. If you had come across any other vampire, you would have been dead just because of what you are." She appeared to consider my words, but did not look like she was taking me seriously, so I continued pinning her with a deadly gaze, "I don't want you to romanticize what I am. Honestly, I am very surprised by the fact that I am able to tolerate your presence near me. I have never tried to be in such close proximity to a human I wasn't going to kill."

I was glad she shivered. I wanted her to be afraid, though I exaggerated a bit. Evan tensed a bit, as I held on to her. Sitting up more, she pushed away from me and cried, "You're surprised you can tolerate me near you now? Shouldn't it be the other way around? You've just admitted you're a professional killer, shouldn't I be running from you?"

"Evan, I am not going to harm a hair on your head. I don't know if I am just fascinated with your ability to charge my dead skin with energy, or your eyes, or just you, but I could not live with myself if I ever hurt you," I replied, wanting her to see I was sincere in my promise. I was surprised at the sting of her words. "I will leave if you want me too."

"That's reassuring, for me I guess." Her bravado was thin, her attempt at humor thinly veiling her uncertainty. "I must be crazy, but I don't want you to disappear from my life. This is the first excitement I have had in my life since I got accepted into medical school and despite your confession, I need to know more about you. I'm fascinated by you and you haven't answered my questions yet."

Her words thrilled me and troubled me all at once. I was unwilling, however, to break my word to her. "I would not want to be accused of breaking my word. What is it you would like to ask?"

She looked at me, her green eyes glistening, the colors around her swirling with yellow-green uncertainty, and bright curiosity. Her smile was reward enough for all of my restraint, a sight I would cherish for the rest of eternity.

"Emil, tell you what. Why don't you go downstairs and wait for me, I need to take care of a few things, you know...um...Do you ever have to use the bathroom?" She looked embarrassed, her blush very enticing.

I shook my head 'no', and laughed.

"Oh...Okay, well, I do, so if you wouldn't mind..." The moment she pointed at the door, I was gone. I went to the living room and, out of the old habit the room triggered in me, began to put a fire in the fireplace. I yearned for the feeling of belonging I had when I was still human, still living in this home with my family. I had done everything I could over nearly the last century to forget, and now the memories were flooding back poignantly. I imagined my mother sitting in her old rocker by the fire sewing, and my younger brothers playing chess or checkers, always eager to play me if they won. My father would of course read the newspaper. He only came out from behind it twice in the evening: to eat and to go to bed. I wondered if it was he, or my mother who had saved the old newspapers.

I heard her in the hall above me, and bent to light the fire I had momentarily forgotten about. Once it caught, I turned to greet her.