Baby, Please Come Home

This is Matt. Leave a message.

"Hey Matty. It’s Josh. I was just thinking about you. I miss you baby, without you here it’s not Christmas at all.. you should be here with me. I love you."

Josh reluctantly hung up the phone and placed it on the end table. His gaze was fixated outside the window, the apartment him and Matt  had once shared gave a great view of the Vancouver skyline. The snow had just begun to fall and it didn’t help lighten Josh’s already low spirits. He had gotten up early that morning, his insomnia making what little sleep he did get restless and uncomfortable. As he woke up to an empty house again, he felt his already shatter heart break a little more. He had taken out Matt’ old bunnyhug to try and comfort himself, if only a little. It had been tucked in the back of his closet, and Matt’s familiar smell of pine and cinnamon still faintly lingered.

Now he sat on the smooth, leather couch cuddled in a blanket with a steaming cup of green tea beside him. The snow was still falling, though Josh knew it probably wouldn’t last long. He forced himself up and shuffled his numb feet over to the window, looking down at the pedestrians filling the streets. The children wore faces filled with excitement and joy, and the snowfall was the icing on the cake. Though everyone dreamed for a white Christmas, the natural magic of this December day simply hadn’t worn off on Josh this year.

This time last year, he and Matt had been snuggled under the same white afghan blanket together and drinking hot cocoa. They had exchanged simple gifts, but most of the day was spent in a comfortable silence. Unlike some relationships, silence hadn’t ever been awkward for the two musicians. They would sit in a beautiful silence, their eyes communicating the unspoken for hours.

"Stop it, you’re not helping," he muttered to himself. He could hear the distant ringing of church bells, and Josh felt his heart break a little more.

"It’s our song," Matt had said with a wink.

The memory too painful to bear, he turned around intending to lie back down on the couch. His cat, Anemone, clearly had other plans. She walked underneath his feet, leaving him to fall in an attempt to dodge her. The blue haired man smacked his face on the floor and tears instantly sprung into his eyes.

"Are you okay baby? I’m sorry. I’m such an idiot; I should had seen you there." He reached out and gave Anemone a scratch behind the ears and he was quickly forgiven by the fluffy animal. As his forehead began to throb, he realized how greatly he cared for Tux, Anemone and Bennie. He would do anything for them, even if it meant sacrificing himself to do it.

He glanced up at the now-blurry Christmas tree, the twinkling lights shining through his tears. Last year Josh and Matt had decorated the tree together, and it had been stunning. With the older man now left to his own devices, the tree looked plain and boring. His sister Sara had come to help him decorate the small apartment, but he couldn’t handle the memories and before long dissolved into tears and kicked her out.

Pulling himself up off the shiny hardwood floors, he knelt in front of the tree with tears streaming down his face. He felt pathetic, but he always got emotional over Matt. The younger man had helped him through nearly every struggle he’d ever faces. His heroin addiction, self-harm, bulimia and had even been there to welcome Josh back into his arms after he’d been discharged from rehab.

He struggled to pull himself up again and shake off the memories as his phone vibrated on the table. He didn’t bother checking caller ID, he just hoarsely mumbled hello.

"Hello, Josh? It’s me, Jessica." said a voice he hadn’t heard for months, and wasn’t sure he was ready to hear again.

"Oh. Hi." he replied.

"Look, I know you probably hate me. God knows I hate me too. But I don’t want you to spend Christmas alone. It’s been a year, and don’t think for a minute that I don’t know the pain you’re feeling, because I do. It was my fault."

She was talking about the accident. The one that took his Matty away from him. Jessica had called him, crying, asking if he could come over and talk. He had agreed even though the weather was awful. On the way, Matt had lost control of the vehicle, and smashed the 1995 Sunfire into a nearby street pole. When he hadn’t shown up, Jessica went out looking. Josh could still hear her voice on the phone that cold December night.

"J-Josh. I’m s-sorry." she stuttered.

"What? What’s wrong?" he had answered, trying to keep his voice even.

"It’s Matt. The c-car. It’s totaled. I d-don’t know what to d-do."

"Is he okay?" Josh sobbed.

"I’m s-sorry Josh. I think he’s g-gone."

And just like that, Josh had lost his whole world. Those words had haunted every conscious and unconscious moment Josh had since then. The whole event had been surreal and unlike anything he’d ever experienced. 

Swept back into reality by a muffled cough on the other end of the phone, he weighed his options. Stay home where it’s comfortable and safe, or go to Matt’s ex-girlfriends for Christmas. He had never been able to let go of the anger he felt towards Jessica, even if it wasn’t directly her fault. He knew if she hadn’t asked Matt to come over, he’d still be alive. After the accident Josh had distanced himself from everyone and only left his apartment when he needed cat or dog supplies. Slowly, the calls from concerned friends and family stopped coming, and he became completely isolated. He was only now realizing how much he craved human contact, and to live the way he would want Matt to live if the situation was reversed. They say start with baby steps, but Josh knew from experience that unless he took a giant leap, he wouldn’t follow through.

"So do you want to come?" Jessica mumbled.

He surprised them both when he said

"Okay."