Coffee and Confusion

D.

SHOCKER IM BACK!
   I know. I know, you guys probably thought i died or was kidnapped by aliens( I wish) or something along those lines, but no. Alas i have no semi cool story to explain my disappearance. I mean I guess i could say that i was finding the meaning of life, or El Dorado, or hiking Mt. Everest seeking Shangri-La, I guess that's a cool spin on the truth. But sadly I pride myself on being at least four times more honest then the average teenager.
Ok

  So before I start my rambling id just like to say...

  Am I a slacker or what. Pretty sure I haven't written anything in around maybe 9 months, save for a really depressing end to Tagged  but I have no clue whats going on with that dumb story I basically sold my soul to satan with a monthly blood ritual to draft up. I've written a few poems (or what I'm calling poems) that I may or may not post on here. So what Im getting at in the longest way possible is that I am the suckiest "writer"on planet suck. In fact Im pretty sure Im now their ruler, just call me Queen Cas ruler of all un-radical.

  So aaaaaanny way i figured Id try and enlighten those of you who actually read(and wow I come back and there's more then the usual 2, thanks dad) this on how I pulled off my disappearance.

So first things first I've had a few medical things going on, and no Im not dying (yet, even though it feels like it) and this isn't gonna be some death diary. I promise. By medical things I kinda mean I keep on dislocating my shoulders(among other things but we will get to that later)  and by kinda i mean i am.. i know what your thinking... no I didn't do anything cool to do it. I literally wake up wrong and POP  my shoulder is out of socket. ( really long story I still don't have answers on, but apparently normal people can't just randomly dislocate things.. weird right?)

  So Needless to say 2016-18 was some what of a bust. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it ( probably haven't) but I have been fencing three days a week for around 7 years( before you ask, yes fencing as in swords)and with my new found shoulder injuries I'm not allowed to do really any form of physical exercise involving my upper body. so you guessed it no fencing, no emotional outlet of any kind for the past 3 and a half years give or take.

  I'm going crazy, the only thing i can get away with without a nasty look from the doctors is hiking, and even in a Alaska you can only hike the "not actually climbing " tails  so much.  sometimes all i can say is I'm sorry like a freaking Justen Bieber song on repeat, and I'm not even sorry about what I'm saying sorry for for, I'm saying sorry for my constant bratty boredom due to lack of smacking people with a sick and pretending to be something from the hobbit! sorry that was a lot of sorrys in one sentence i should probably stop.  Ok ok moving on.

     Surprisingly I didn't come on here to talk about Justin Bieber and dislocated shoulders I logged on to the land of Wattpad ( after seven failed log ins) to talk about the confusing dynamic that is the average (or not so average) life.

     For those of you who don't know my mental state isn't really the best (like have you actually read the "poems" I wrote. I mean wow dramatic much?) so the past 4 years I've been trying to stable(?) myself, and along with trying to train my head to not suck dirty toes I've found that it's not as easy as it looks being a functioning human being. Shall we list those problems/reasons/I just wanna talk about this and don't know how to word it? You Betcha!

    1. Medication really only does so much.
I'm very aware that this is probably not what you want to hear ( if you want to hear it?) but it's true. Being put on medication definitely wasn't the be all end all that I wanted it to be, and I've come to be ok with that. I feel a lot better then when I don't have them, but at the same time a bad day is still a bad day. 

    2. Therapy didn't work for me like people had me convinced it would.
I don't know man, I went to like maybe 6 months worth of sessions and... yeah... no
Sorry Mr/Mrs doctor but sitting in a fancy chair talking about my problems and issues that you aren't actually able to comment on or converse (on a relatable "yeah man I totally get it here's my situation" way) about just isn't really appealing to me. I'm a problem solver, give me opinions on how to fix the situation, don't just sit there and nod and ask me how that's makes me feel. Now don't come for me in the comments I know that therapy is a very valuable medical practice that works wonders for some people, but I was not/am not one of those people. I'm also aware not everything can be fixed (I'm still working on accepting that tho)

     3. I really thought I wanted to loose weight.
Ok now I'm not saying I wanted to be like super model skinny, maybe drop 15 pounds maybe gain some back in muscle?
So before I get into this I'll give you some background, before meds and all of this I was 5'10" and around 180-190lbs (never actually been able to maintain a weight so somewhere between there) I worked out all the time ran/fenced/CrossFit whatever else I wanted and I was considered fairly healthy a little on the heavy side(for me)but nothing to be concerned about. Since starting my medication(which I won't say what they are cuz like none of your business?) I've been rapidly loosing weight (like 25lbs in 2 weeks) and then the second I stop the meds I'll steadily gain again. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW ANNOYING THIS IS?!? You're probably like cassi calm down it's cool youre loosing weight right that's what you wanted. To that I answer, no not even close. Loosing weight is supposed to make clothe shopping easier right? WRONG! I've never had to try on pants for the actual size, I just at tried them on to see if I liked them, and now pants shopping takes about 7 hours and a hell of a lot of patients. I cannot for the life of me actually find what size I am and it's pissing me off big time, ok so remember the starting weight and height? Well now ( or the last time I checked) I'm around 5'10" and 3/4 (cuz that really important) and 160lbs. Anyway long story short I'm really offended I don't have a nice butt anymore and I look like a lot taller then I am.

    3. Teenage BS is just BS, there's no age range on mental illness, drama and stupidity.
You know how when your maybe like 13-15 and you think "oh yeah everything will be great and fine and everything I don't like about my life and the people in it will just disappear when I turn 18."

    That is definitely not what happens

    If your anything like me you wake up the morning of your birthday just sobbing because wow your an adult and you have no excuse for anything anymore, let alone the experience to handle said sobbing with any Tactic.
   So for those of you who are not 18 yet here's a PSA
and if your already 18 well... I'll be in the corner crying, (from stress or laughter at this next part not really sure yet but it's probably gonna be both) you can Join me if you want

   All of the drama doesn't just magically disappear.

   Your crappy friends are still probably gonna be crappy friends when you turn 18

   Your best friend's creepy weird boyfriend is still gonna find a way to manipulate her into someone you hate

  You'll still have to "break up" with that toxic person in your life

  Even if you already graduated you'll still have stressors that'll make it hard to keep a sleep schedule.

  If you struggle with mental illness, it won't go away when you turn 18
I mean obviously it's a pretty situational and personal struggle, it'll definitely very form person to person but take depression for example. It is a chemical imbalance, most cases aren't strictly based in a persons home life/ age or however you want to put it. While yeah it might help you personally to be able to make your own decisions and relying on yourself and your freedom and doing the things that you wanna do/ make you happy, but again bad days are bad days and sadly there's no evidence of magic in this world

   I'm not saying all of this to try and scare you ( even tho it's hella scary) I'm saying this to maybe prepare someone with unrealistic expectations about adulthood. Mind you I've only been 18 for like 2 weeks but you know whatever doesn't matter it happened it sucked and we move on

  Anyway that's the end of the PSA
Maybe next time I upload (hopefully not 4 years later) we can talk about less sad things...? Maybe we'll see