Every Night

This poem is deticated to jenna75 because she is always waiting.

Every Night

Every night, right before midnight, when another long day is done and the whole world is sleeping, I leave our house on the cliff and head down to the beach. As my bare feet hit the soft sand, still warm from a day in the heat, and my lungs take in the cool night air, it reminds me of the moment I first met you. You were walking down this very beach, your hair and yellow sundress whipping as one in the wild wind. It reminds me of the way you laughed then, your eyes sparkling. It reminds me of the way you tripped over your own feet, and I caught you. The way my heart hammered against my chest…against your chest…as I held you for the briefest of moments and our eyes met for the very first time. It reminds me of your smile.

Every night, right before midnight, I stand alone on our beach and stare out across the sea and up into a night sky lit up by a million stars. And every single night, the stars become one in a blur, as alone on the beach I cry for you.

Every night, as my heart cries out across the sea, I imagine that even after so long, your heart can still hear my hearts cry. And with out a moments hesitation, you fly to me. You fly back from darkness, away from the grave, and across the endless gap of nothingness that separates us. I imagine that no matter how long it has been, and how far we are apart, you have not forgotten me. Your heart is like my heart…still the same.

 Every night, as you fly to me across the sea, I throw caution to the wind and I run to you: all sanity and common sense gone, the water whipping against my legs as it tries to pull me back. But every night I run to you, because nothing can stop us: not heaven, not hell, not anything in between.

Every night, right before midnight, we meet somewhere in the middle. We meet somewhere in the fringe of fantasy and reality, where the ocean meets forever. And every night, my hand reaches out into the dark and clasps your hand, pulling you away from the light of the stars and back into my uncertain certainty. And it is here, that every night, we swirl together as one in the wind and the water and the waves as they wash us back to shore. It is like a dance, a ballet of reunion that all nature takes part in.

Every night, we lie on the beach, soaking wet and out of breathe, laughing and crying and kissing until we are spent. But I never say a thing, because your heart already knows that no words can hold emotion like this.

Every night, I imagine your hand in my hand, our fingers entwined. And somewhere in the middle of our hands, we squeeze a ring. It is the symbol of a love, our love, which we will never let go. And as I walk down the beach with you, the moon above lights our path so clearly, that the world is simple once again. And by its light, our feet move in perfect unison, across the sands of time that hold the memories of our life together.

Every night, we walk back up the hill toward our house on the cliff. And every night, it is silhouetted against the stars as a beacon of light made perfect in a moment too beautiful to be real but too real to have ever been made up. Every night, I take you through our yard, showing you what has changed since you’ve been gone, and everything that has stayed so very much the same.

Every night, when we reach the foot of our door, I lift you up into my arms as I did the night we were married and I carry you through our living room and up the stairs to our bedroom where I lay you gently on our bed. I have never learned to sleep without you. How can I now?

Every night, we lay together in the darkness, and I tell you about my life without you. I tell you about the people I’ve met, the places I’ve seen, and everything in between, so that you will always know my hopes and dreams. And every night, you hold me in your arms as I cry myself to sleep, begging you to never leave me again.

Every morning, as the clock strikes eight, as if by magic, the spell is broken, and I am once again lying in my bed alone. I cry then as I did before, knowing that you can not hear me. Curled up in a ball of my own despair, I curse myself for hanging on to you, to the thought of you, to our love. But still, every morning I am grateful that I made it through another every night alone.

Every morning, as I shower and prepare for the day ahead, I forget the pain of my lies, and begin to feel a small smile of warmth that starts in my chest and spreads to my tired eyes. I smile because, despite my curses, I know deep down inside that…

Every night, right before midnight, when the whole world is sleeping, I will be standing at the edge of forever, my arms spread wide over the whole ocean and my heart crying for you. And in that perfect moment, regardless of the pain and heart ache of life, we will break the boundaries of possibility and truly be free. Because every time I close my eyes and reach my desperate hand out into the black of that endless every night,

You’re waiting there for me.