Emptiness filled me as I walked into the woods. It was like my body dragged my mind along, determined to reach the destination. I didn't register anything, if there was someone there, I was too far gone to notice.
Somewhere on the way I tripped on a branch or a stone. My face connected with the small pieces of gravel, but my mind remained at its state. It seemed as if nothing could get me down to earth, but as I stood on the rock, leaned against the tree behind me, it hit me. This was it. The end. Period.
The rope was placed tightly around my neck and little black dots appeared in my vision. It felt as if my head was going to explode, and a part of me expected my eyes to pop out. All I heard was the thumping sound my heart made.
When I took the step, panic set in. I grabbed the rope trying to get some precious air in my lungs. I needed to live, I was desperate for life. Every single thought I ever had, every feeling, flashed through me like lightning , stroke me like knives, fried me like grease and froze me like ice. I tried to focus, counting a second. But my mind wouldn't let me, so instead, my brain shoved me all my mistakes. I don't know it this was to ease the physical pain and make me accept my choice, but after a couple of seconds, I was on the verge of a change of heart. My. Either appeared before my eyes, and my will kept me going. I kept fighting, but I'm the middle of the fight, I was lifter up. The rope was loosened and my body fell limp in a pair of strong arms. I couldn't make out a voice, but someone was talking. I started to heave for my breath, and my sore throat let out raspy coughs. My face were covered in a cloth and before I could object, everything went black.
*
Someone yelled my name, screaming as if their life depended on it. The sound was making my ears bleed, but when I tried to cover my ears, I realized my wrists were tied down. In fact, my entire body was tied down to something resembling a bed. Frantic, I started screaming, wiggling around trying to get a hold of where I was.
While the time passed, I tired myself out and calmed a bit. My memory gave me a non-coherent story of what had went down. I tried to kill my self, someone grabbed me. I was nearly dead, someone saved my life. A van, I remember a van, but then it seemed like the blackouts took over.
How long had I been there? Why would someone take me? Where was I? And why would someone yell my name? The questions kept coming and a headache formed as I could neither provide the answers or wrap my mind around the situation. What was the situation even? Someone kidnapped me when I was on the verge of my life. Someone that either knew me from before, or figured out my name.
I thought of my family, were they looking for me? Feeling sad? Angry? At least upset? Why would someone do this to me? I tried to recall every bad thing I done to someone other than myself, family and friends, but nothing I thought of could be enough for this. It scared me, I was terrified. The darkness that surrounded me suddenly made me realize that I had absolutely no control. Staying present meant that I realized what position I was in. Tied down, unable to see, damaged hearing and either it didn't smell anything, or I couldn't even smell. But on the other side, ,y throat wasn't dry, my body wasn't in pain, so as far as I knew, they who did this probably wanted me for something. And I needed to both stay alive, and unharmed for this.
*
His name was Nick and I had been here for a month. He took me because he loved me, he had for a long time. I was in a big building with lots of people working. This was only temporary, until the tests and medical care got better results. After this we would move to a place with a cellar. The main people I got to see were James, Andrew and Jonas, his best bodyguards. I also got to see his sister, Natasha and his cousin, Thomas. I will not see my family for years, but I will be reunited with them. They are not worried, for apparently Nick made it seem like I was going to boarding school for five years.
I sleep in a bed, alone in a room, they are not hurting me. I get to eat four meals, and take showers and baths as often as I like. These are all the answers I have for now.
Until now I have been cooperative, and it has kept me safe. The meals mainly consists of what you would say a health expert would eat. It even inspired me to wanting to work out. Funny thing though, I can't exactly choose my activities.
Keeping my mind busy isn't hard when you live somewhere Unknown, with people you are bound to, and with a plan that you only know fragments of. So I wouldn't say there is a danger of depression, not yet. Besides, I do get those happy smiley pills they make me swallow.
*
Another month has passed, and we moved. I take beatings, I get whipped, I am starved, and overly fed, I am loved and hated. My bruises are attended, my entire body is. They do not rape me, but his sister is the one taking care. I am very attached to her. She gives me love, and around her, I feel like a child needing all the care she can provide. This is not healthy, Nick beats me up, teaches me to live this new life, Natasha holds me close, stroking my hair. But Thomas, oh the sweet, sweet Thomas. He is quiet, but talks a lot and whenever we spend time together, I am relieved. I talk to him about everything, and he listens, advices, hugs, whatever I need, he gives. He takes all my anger and sorrow and makes beauty from pain. He is the only thing that feels normal to me, somewhat familiar.
I am learning, I do call Nick master. I do eat all my food. I do stay quiet under beatings. I do follow the instructions. But there are a lot more "do not's". I do not speak out of order. I do not leave, or try to leave. I do not show hatred, anger, sadness. I do not lose hope. I am taught knowledge you learn in school, in war, in attempt to survive. I a, trained to be stronger, faster, smarter than you. I have scars already, after a month of torture. But my mind goes further away from my previous pain, and therefore I manage.
**
The reasons for why I would attempt suicide is far to many for me to just spell out. You could say I felt helpless. You could say I felt protective. You could say I felt betrayed. Or, you could simply recognize it for what it was, selfish. Emptiness filled me. It did. But only because I let it, I gave in, I lost hope, I thought I was useless. That, of course, only led to this horrendous kidnapping. And it probably left my brother with a lot more suffering than before I shut down. Do I regret my choices? Well, that depends of what I believe the different outcomes would have been. Can I keep trying to change the past? I could, I could give it another billion tries. But for what? There is no use, there is no possibility, there is only now. Past has gone, and even though I am not over it, I need to stay alive. For without staying alive, I cannot make it up to them, I cannot save him, I cannot learn to forgive.
